The hardest part about secondary infertility is not what you are missing out on, but what your only child is missing out on. My husband has 3 brothers and a sister. I have 2 sisters. Never in a million years did I ever think we’d only have one child. That was never, ever in the plans. I still dream about what kind of big brother Nick would be, I imagine the pictures I would take of him and his baby sister or brother. Fuck, I wouldn’t care if it was a baby monkey at this point.
We can convince ourselves of all the benefits of having just one. We can try to convince the world that we think one is enough, that we planned this all along. But we’re not fooling anyone. Even when Nick wakes us up in the middle of the night and we are zombies the next day, we laugh about how hard it would be to go back to sleep deprivation. But I know that deep down, we’d both go back there in a heart beat, if it was that easy.
I try so hard to be grateful for what we do have – a healthy, happy, awesome son. But it is hard to see pregnant women and to see babies. And it physically makes my heart break shatter to see siblings. To see big brothers and sisters with their little brothers and sisters. Cuddling them, holding their hands as they learn to walk, helping them, even just sitting next to them. And I can’t help but immediately be reduced to that person who only thinks about what she doesn’t have.
I started working out and trying to lose weight because it was the only control I had over my body. I couldn’t make it get pregnant, no matter what we tried. So I decided if I couldn’t be pregnant then goddamnit I’d be skinny*. Losing weight feels good. But losing weight doesn’t even come close to the same feeling of adding another person to your family. And while I mourn for what I don’t have, I’m absolutely destroyed about what my son doesn’t have. A sibling.
Colours of Sunset 
sending you love and hugs – i wish i had a magic wand – deb xxx
thanks Deb. you and me both! though I know there are lots more things that a magic wand could fix before this!
I don’t know what to say but I have hugs for you x
Thanks Tina. Sometimes hugs are more than enough 🙂
My heart aches for you Aroha! My best friend was an only child, and has said she never felt the need for a sibling- her parents were her best friends x
Aww thanks. I have a good friend who is an only child and she has always been surrounded by her chosen-family. I hope we are Nick’s best friends!
I know what you mean. When I meet up with friends who are pregnant for the second time or have more than 1 kid, I’m so so happy for them, yet my heart aches too. Like why not me yet? I’m still not giving up hope yet.
Ai @ Sakura Haruka
It’s been years here, and I”m still not giving up hope either! I hope it happens for you soon Ai, and you aren’t left hanging for years like we have been xo
Sending heaps of love, hugs and positive energy to you, M and N.
Me
thanks L. I appreciate it. xo
That must be tough. Especially for parents who know what a special bond siblings have. xx
I love my sisters. I would love Nick to have a brother. But I know that doesn’t always mean a good, healthy sibling relationship. And I know that he will be ok, because he knows no different.
Aroha, I hear you and totally understand your feelings, which you have every right to have. Our boy was alone for over 7 years, then had to wait for a baby to grow up a bit to play with- so we had quite a wait before we could see their relationship develop. I don’t know your exact situation, but I do hope you haven’t given up just yet. Big gaps are fine. Crossing fingers for you xxx
Thanks Sharon, I haven’t given up yet – we have a few years to go before we get to that stage. And I’m not worried about having a big gap at all. In fact, the bigger the easier, I think! I guess I just worry about Nick having to bare the burden of aged parents all alone!
Oh, Aroha. Love and hugs to you. xxx
Thanks Zanni!
I found you via IBOT and I have to say how beautiful and brave you are to have left a comment on my post, considering its topic. Good luck to you xx
I am finally at a point I think, where I can accept others have bubs and I don’t. It took a while to get here tho!
I’m so sorry 😦 I understand how devastating it would be. Sending you good luck vibes, I hope this year something happens for you x
Thanks. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t, the trick is to be genuinely ok with it, either way.
Sending you a McMassive hug and a jug of wine – I know which one I’d rather have 🙂 xxx
I’d take both! Actually, am on the Bacardi tonight! WOO!
Nothing makes you want something more thn being told you can’t have it. I send my best wishes & prayers for you & you family XOX
yeap – already been through that stage. Am in the “about to admit defeat” stage I think.
I wish that I could make this better for you. So much. I wish I could pass you my unused fertility so that you could have a whole football team if you wanted to.
I’m so sorry you have to walk this road, every day. I can’t imagine how that must feel. xxx
Thanks Jess. Wouldn’t it be nice if problems were that easily solved? Some days I am glad it’s the road I walk, as it could always be much worse. But other days (like the day I wrote this post) are very much filled with “Why the FUCK me!?!?!?!”
I don’t want to be dismissive so hope this reads ok. I know plenty of siblings that don’t speak and plenty of only children who are happy as such.
But the heart wants what it wants and nothing makes this painful experience easy.
Good luck and best wishes.
You’re so right, and we do talk about that a lot. Just having a sibling doesn’t guarantee a good relationship at all. I know siblings who have nothing to do with each other, too. But at least they have the opportunity, if they wish, to mend things and have that relationship. One thing I’ve learned is that when no one else has your back, your family still will (usually!). But you are so right.
I know this feeling…I should focus on what I do have not what I don’t…. I am single and have recently found out that my fertility is crap! (sorry no other words to describe it!) and if I ever want to have babies in the future I have to freeze my eggs now….So am about to embark on this journey all by myself in the hope that one day I might meet someone and we might be able to have a baby… I do try and think that there are people worse off than me but sometimes it’s nice to and I think important to let yourself grieve and be upset and feel whatever it is you are feeling and when you are ready, jump up, dust yourself of and take a step forward…. In the meantime I am passing you the cyber tissues!
Thanks Zita, maybe we could share the box? I can’t imagine having to make those decisions on my own, in hopes that one day prince charming comes along. I know so many people with fertility issues, it seriously makes me wonder where humanity went wrong?
That sucks. That really sucks. 😦 I’m not going to try and reassuring comfort words because they won’t do any good. So, that sucks xx
he he, thanks for making me smile. It is really nice to have people NOT try and make things better but just to agree with you and say “yep, that’s shit!” thank you! x
Ahh hon, You know I’m with you 100% here. In some ways I think Project Sibling was just that – about getting a sibling and being done. I want another baby, I even want to be pregnant again after the hellish last experience but what I want most of all is for Dexter to have a sibling and it hurts to see him miss out. It sucks, sending many virtual hugs your way.
Thanks Kyla. I know you know *exactly* what I’m talkin’ about! Big virtual hugs your way too lovely. xo
I totally understand how you feel and sometimes fret for the same reason. I went through a really hard time last year and had to see someone about it. The way through it was to keep my mind on other things until the pain, the grieving, eventually went. I never thought it would go, but it has subsided. I don’t know all yr circumstances but i have a lot of hope for you and yr hubbie. xx
Thank you. We’ve not given up yet, there are still a couple of avenues to try, it’s whether or not we can/want to go down them. Taking it day by day. Some days are worse than others. x
It’s not fair Aroha – so many things in this world are unfair and I wish so much that things were different for you. Hugs to you x
Thanks Kirsty – I guess what they say is true – no one ever said life was fair! Thanks for the hugs.
I always thought I’d have more than one, but the universe didn’t send my soulmate until my mid 30s, and I was one month off 39 when Bell was born. By the time we were ready for another, I was too scared to risk it. But most of the time she’s happy to have us to herself, and we’ve always made sure that she has lots of social interaction.
Big hugs to you Aroha xx
Thanks Lisa. Nick is a pretty happy kid too, and as people have said to me – he doesn’t know any different. And having a sibling doesn’t guarantee having a friend for life. Hugs for you too x
Aroha, I cannot imagine how you feel. Love and warmest of hugs to you xx
Sometimes angry, sometimes confused, sometimes grateful (to be honest – kids, especially babies, are hard work!). It’s a roller coaster. Thank you x
xx
So sorry you have to face this, Aroha. I know sometimes people will go on about being grateful for what you have but the heart wants what it wants. There is nothing wrong with how you feel. It just is. I recall those difficult days and emotions before I finally fell pregnant. TTC at any stage is tough as are the repercussions and challenge to be faced, dealt with and worked through. xo
It’s a real mind game, isn’t it? Thanks for the support and kind words Veronica. x
Oh, Aroha. My heart is so heavy for you right now. Sending you big hugs xxx
Thanks Grace. I appreciate the love! xo
I’m just sending you positive virtual thoughts Aroha.
Thanks Rita, and I for you lovely. xo
Arrgh This really sux. I am sorry you have to deal with this. It just seems so unfair. Sending hugs to you lovely! I really hope you get the 2nd bubba you want soon xo
Thanks Michelle. Most of the time that’s what I want, but sometimes I think we’re lucky with the one we have, and that life is so easy. But a piece of my heart will always want more! can’t believe I used to want 5!
I don’t know how you feel but I recently went through a really shitty time, and I decided skinny would work for me too. It’s funny how the mind works. I have only lost a few kilos and need quite a few more to be skinny but I think it’s because it’s something we can control when other things are out of our control. Rachel xx
You’re right – it is funny how the mind works and I know for me it was definitely about control over something that had gotten out of control. And for a little while it worked, but that emptiness/hole is still there, no matter how much weight I lose. And I still look at myself and see all the flaws/how far I still have to go, so maybe it didn’t work after all? Hope your shitty time has passed for you Rachel. xo