When The Dust Settles

I’m not the first to fail at marriage. I won’t be the last. That is both comforting and somewhat humbling. For a while there I felt like no one else could understand what I was going through. And in reality, 99% of my friends couldn’t. Being one of the only people you know to go through a marriage break up is eye-opening.

It’s been six months since I last blogged. Seven months since my husband moved out of our home. To say it has been a turbulent seven months would be an understatement. There have been lonely nights and weekends, psychologist visits, massive fights, lots of tears, lots of uncertainty, but also lots of realizations and lots of soul searching. There have been great times with friends, there have been some average dates, some promising dates, and some downright shocking dates.

But now that the dust has finally settled, I feel like I am in the best place I’ve been for a really, really long time. I am finally happy. And you know what? I pretty much got here on my own. It started with finally realizing it’s OK to be on my own for a while. And that I’m happy to be on my own. Actually, I am kinda starting to relish it. And it’s OK to hold out for something completely amazing, rather than to settle for the first guy that comes along.

I feel like I have always been a rock for everyone else. I have been the planner, the glue, the shoulder, the listening ear. I have put others needs and emotions before my own. I feel like I have always looked after everyone else. To an extent, I have taken on everyone else’s issues and that has cost me health-wise. The last seven months have shown me that I need to re-prioritize. I finally get to put myself first. If I am going to look after anyone, it will be myself. I have finally learned it is OK to make decisions based on what want. Not on what will make others happy. 

But I’ve also learned that when the going gets tough, and when you get tough, not everyone you think will be there for you actually steps up. Luckily I am enlightened enough to know that is on them, not on me. I can’t give anymore than I already do, so you take me as I am or not at all.

It’s liberating. It’s refreshing. It finally feels right.