It’s Not Me, It’s You

I have just gone through my second biggest break up of the last twelve months. I’ve ended my relationship with Facebook. Facebook is like a bad boyfriend. Here’s how:

  • He sucks all your time, and not in a good way.
  • He makes you think you need him, when you really don’t.
  • He makes you think you’re inferior to your friends. You’re not.
  • He makes you think everyone is happier and has their shit more together than you do. They’re not, and they don’t.
  • He tells others all about what you’re up to, so they don’t bother communicating with you anymore.

My goal is to spend my entire 38th year away from him. Let’s see how that goes. Already I have gone to open it 3 times and I only just deactivated it 30 minutes ago. It could be a really long day. Wish me luck! I expect my Tweet and Insta count to multiply exponentially.


When The Dust Settles

I’m not the first to fail at marriage. I won’t be the last. That is both comforting and somewhat humbling. For a while there I felt like no one else could understand what I was going through. And in reality, 99% of my friends couldn’t. Being one of the only people you know to go through a marriage break up is eye-opening.

It’s been six months since I last blogged. Seven months since my husband moved out of our home. To say it has been a turbulent seven months would be an understatement. There have been lonely nights and weekends, psychologist visits, massive fights, lots of tears, lots of uncertainty, but also lots of realizations and lots of soul searching. There have been great times with friends, there have been some average dates, some promising dates, and some downright shocking dates.

But now that the dust has finally settled, I feel like I am in the best place I’ve been for a really, really long time. I am finally happy. And you know what? I pretty much got here on my own. It started with finally realizing it’s OK to be on my own for a while. And that I’m happy to be on my own. Actually, I am kinda starting to relish it. And it’s OK to hold out for something completely amazing, rather than to settle for the first guy that comes along.

I feel like I have always been a rock for everyone else. I have been the planner, the glue, the shoulder, the listening ear. I have put others needs and emotions before my own. I feel like I have always looked after everyone else. To an extent, I have taken on everyone else’s issues and that has cost me health-wise. The last seven months have shown me that I need to re-prioritize. I finally get to put myself first. If I am going to look after anyone, it will be myself. I have finally learned it is OK to make decisions based on what want. Not on what will make others happy. 

But I’ve also learned that when the going gets tough, and when you get tough, not everyone you think will be there for you actually steps up. Luckily I am enlightened enough to know that is on them, not on me. I can’t give anymore than I already do, so you take me as I am or not at all.

It’s liberating. It’s refreshing. It finally feels right.


The Best Part of Holidays

A few weeks ago, my husband and I delivered news to our 7 year old that would change his life forever. We told him that daddy was moving out and getting his own place. We may or may not have said “for a while” on the end of that sentence, and that mistake might end up doing us in. But time will tell with that one.

Tonight, with the first day of grade 3 looming tomorrow, I tucked him to bed and asked him what the best part about the school holidays was. Without missing a beat he said, “Spending time with Daddy.” I didn’t ask what the worst part was, I didn’t even want him to have to think about it.

I guess when people who are parents separate, we tend to focus on the negative. Not being in the same house as your child every day, not seeing them every day, not having that daily influence in their life. If I’ve learned anything these last few weeks, it’s that it doesn’t matter if you don’t SEE them every day, as long as you are there when they need you. If they can pick up the phone and talk to you, if you can see them even for 5 minutes if they need you, that is what makes a difference to a child.

I’ve also learned kids are resilient. But that you have to be patient with them and be flexible. I’ve learned that when your kids best interests are put above anything else, they can survive just about anything you throw at them.

And I think in many cases, not living in the same house means the time you do get to spend with them is of far higher quality than the time you were spending with them before.

I have felt incredibly guilty that my son has spent all these school holidays at vacation care or tennis camp, bar a handful of days. He hasn’t had much down time and we have done practically nothing with friends. But he told me the other day that he has loved tennis camp because of all the new friends he’s made.

The best part of the school holidays, for me, has been seeing how resilient my child is. Seeing how he makes the best and sees the best in a bad situation. It’s been being reminded that he is tougher and more understanding than I give him credit for.

I am sad the holidays are over. I feel like I am in the minority of mums by making that statement. But then I also haven’t been home with him for 6 weeks. I hope that he takes on grade 3 with the same passion for learning that he finished grade 2 with. And I hope that his resilience and toughness will help him get through the challenges that are sure to come his way. And if he struggles, I hope he knows his dad and I are always here to help him.

Did you learn anything these holidays? What was your favourite part?