At 3 Am

At 2:20 am everything is still, quiet. “Muuuuuummy!” comes the cry. “Muuuuuuuuummy!” A second cry. Then silence. My husband goes to check on him. He’s called out to me in his sleep. Now, I am wide awake. The only sound is the ceiling fan, ticking faster than my biological clock, which is saying something, because that is a time bomb that’s about to explode.

I lay there, thinking about the alarm clock going off in 2 hours. I think about Nick, is he ok? Was he having a nightmare? Did he wake up then go straight back to sleep? Is he still breathing? (For a parent of a 4 year old, I think I still worry about this far too much/often.) My thoughts drift to babies…will we have another? Am I pregnant now? When should I test? If I am, how and when will we tell everyone? What will it be? What will we call it? Where will we put the bassinet? What was that cramp? Oh great, feels like Aunt Flow coming on. I’m probably NOT pregnant, just like I haven’t been the last 24 months.

My husband tosses and turns. “Are you awake?” I whisper. The only response is a snore. All I wanted to ask was if he checked if Nick was breathing. I flip on my left, flip to the right, flat on my back. Sleep doesn’t come. I check Facebook, twitter, and finally the news to see if our Aussie boys have won Gold. Nothing.

Meanwhile the clock has clicked over to 3:20 am. A whole hour I’ve been awake. The alarm is going off in just over an hour and a half. Should I get up and watch the Olympics? It’s cold, I’d have to put my jacket on. I could check if Nick is ok and may get some more sleep on the couch. Or I can just stay here where it’s warm, and try harder. I close my eyes tighter and toss and turn some more.

Finally, sleep comes, 40 minutes before Nick is standing beside our bed, wanting to come in bed with us. A half hour later my alarm is going off. I should have got up and watched the Olympics. I wouldn’t feel as crap as I do now. My final thought as I’m ready for work, “How the hell will I get through training tonight?”

Forever

It’s valentine’s day today. As a funny side note, a friend of mine on facebook referred to it as “VD”. All I could think was “venereal disease?” Now there’s a Valentine’s Day present.

I keep seeing proclamations of love online. Associated with valentine’s day , love and romance is the word “Forever.” It’s a pretty powerful word. FOREVER. Never ending. But what is forever?  Til death do us part? Til we can no longer reconcile our differences? Til the world is imploded by a meteorite hurtling towards earth? 2036 that is supposed to happen, by the way. Start your party planning.

The truth is, we’re not here forever. We’re here for a lifetime, and that can be as long or as short as the Powers That Be decide to make it. Does forever keep going, once we’ve passed on? Is forever like school? Or previous jobs? We’re not there anymore, we’ve moved on, but we’re still here. We’re just not there. Maybe its like that when we die. We’re still within ourselves. We’re just not on earth. For a long time, if I thought about it hard enough, the idea that there were still kids going to my high school, after I had already graduated and gone on, was a weird thought to me. It was almost like I thought that school ceased being when I stopped being a student there. Obviously that’s a completely ridiculous thought.

I don’t know why I can’t get all this out of my head today. Its probably because I’m reading “Not Without My Daughter” and it raises all kinds of questions about mortality. It probably also has something to do with my father’s death. Maybe its because I feel like time is absolutely flying and there’s nothing I can do to slow it down. I don’t want this to end, but it has to. It will. One day. Then I just start hoping and praying with all my might that one day is still a very, VERY long way away. Betty Mahmoody faced a lot of moments when she thought she may never see her daughter again, or see her family in the US again. I don’t ever want to have that feeling, or that fear.

I need to just push it to the back (or even completely out – that would be great) of my mind and enjoy today, St. Valentine’s Day. And look forward to my childless weekend away with my hubby. First whole weekend to ourselves in over 2.5 years! We won’t know what to do with ourselves! Don’t worry, we’ll think of something.

2010 Review

In keeping with tradition, I’ve decided now would be a good time to write my 2010 review. Even though there’s technically still 10 more days left in the year.

I started the year off on anti-depressants for post-partum depression. I really found they helped a LOT without giving me any nasty side effects. I could still feel emotion, but the daily thoughts and struggles that used to make me want to stay in bed were gone. I didn’t stay on them long, but I’m glad I went on them and was lifted out of the fog. I know some people aren’t as lucky to have medication work so well, so quickly for them.

In April I shot 2 weddings, my very first 2, and they both went well. In July I followed that up by shooting my sister’s wedding. I really enjoyed it, and while its still something I’d love to do for a living one day, accumulating photography equipment is an expensive endeavor and this just isn’t the right time.

(side note: I’m going back through  my blog to help me remember what happened this year and I didn’t even blog in April, June or July!)

My mother-in-law and one of my brother-in-laws spent a few weeks out here mid June to early July and had a great visit. I’m so glad they got to see where we are living, and meet our family and friends here. It was fun to visit Sydney with them and do all the touristy things on the Gold Coast like feed kangaroos and cuddle koalas, etc.

My sister and I mended our relationship after more than 2 years of not speaking. It was definitely a message from above, as about 6 months later, we lost our dad. It was a complete shock and not at all expected. For the 3 of us sisters to be able to support each other through that has been a huge comfort.

So the month of October passed in very much of a blur, and I am glad I made a few posts in that month and talked about the anger, confusion, grief that I was going through. I think its the only way I’ll remember what I felt. The only thing I remember vividly is my sister telling me he was gone and the denial and shock and literally breathlessness I felt in that moment. I remember like it was yesterday. Some days, it might as well have been yesterday.

November I decided to do a 30-day blog challenge in the hopes that it would get me back into blogging. In some respects it has worked, as I’ve written a few blog posts since the challenge. But I still find myself often with nothing to say or write about. For the last few months, well, since dad died really, I’ve been feeling very sorry for myself. I can’t seem to stop thinking that I have been given the short end of the stick, and have a rough lot in life. It’s only been the last couple of days, since I found Lara Casey, that my mind, my attitude and my outlook on life has really started to change.

Throughout the year, I managed to complete my graduate certificate in business, and did so earning 3 distinctions and a high distinction. Now when I am feeling ready to complete my masters degree, I should be able to get into any program I want. But until then, I’m going to take a little bit of a break.

I also switched jobs, after being made redundant when Palm Meadows closed. It was a blessing in disguise for me as I have ended up working at a place where the staff and members are so great to work for and be around. I’m very lucky!

I hope that 2011 is going to be full of positivity, happiness, good thoughts and feelings, and really focusing on enjoying life, rather than moping about everything that is wrong with it. I think as long as I keep finding inspiration, and keep reminding myself that if you want to be surrounded by positive, happy people and things, you have to be positive and happy yourself.