More Than A Feeling

It’s been too long between confessions, so I decided to head over to Kirsty’s My Home Truths to see what today’s I Must Confess topic was. “Huh” (as in “interesting”, not “what the…?”) was my initial reaction to “How do you feel?” How do I feel? Where do I start?

I feel tired. Tired of the same routine day in and day out. Which is ironic, because any break from the regular routine tends to cause anxiety.

I feel annoyed and excited at the same time over the upcoming school holidays. Excited because I’m hoping to get 2 weeks off work, annoyed because I can’t have all 6 weeks off which means juggling annual leave for both me and The Mechanic so that someone has a day off when mum or my sister can’t help out. I’m frustrated that the gymnastics vacation care he loved so much last school holidays is only offered Tue-Wed-Thur when I work Mon-Thur-Fri. I feel grateful and lucky that it looks like there’s only 1 day I’ll have to beg a friend to watch him and only 1 day we’ll have to put him in the Gymnastics vacation care.

I feel dizzy, not to be confused with ditzy, which I also sometimes feel, more often than is probably normal.

I feel anxious about the Christmas holidays. Last year I took 4 weeks off personal training and gained 4kgs. I usually love Christmas, but something this year has me thinking I can’t wait until it’s all over and we can just get on with 2014.

I feel old, but also proud, to have a gorgeous boy who has thrived at school this year and is going into year 1 next year. I’m sure I’ll worry about him at the start of every year, about how he’ll adjust to a new teacher, new classmates, a slightly heavier work load. I worried this year, and he has been wonderful. I hope that’s the case every year. Still, it won’t stop the worrying.

I feel like time is slipping away and I am too old for “all this shit.” I know I am not.

I feel like I should confess more often. It feels good to get thoughts out on paper in a post.

Linking up with Kirsty for I Must Confess

My Home Truths

I Must Confess : Post-Proud

It’s not often that you go around bragging about blog posts, but that’s exactly what Kirsty is asking us to do this week. It’s funny sad when you go back and look at what you’ve written and all you can think is “blah, blah, blah.”

Then I found this post. (I’ll copy and paste below).

I saw a meme/poster/thing on Facebook that said “Every time something really bad happens, people cry out for safety and the government answers by taking rights away from good people.” The quote is attributed to Penn Jillette, of Penn and Teller. Whether or not he actually said it, I’m not sure. I could google it but that would give too much credit to the quote.

People like to use the word “rights” to defend their actions. If you speak out and say something hateful, you have a right to freedom of speech. If you pull a gun on someone, you have a right to bear arms. Protest at a funeral, you have a right to free exercise of religious practices. They are entitled to these “rights”, yet they self-righteously deny people the right to love and marry. They have a right to be hateful. Guns in the hands of the wrong people gives them the right to be violent, but people are being denied the right to celebrate LOVE in a joyous union.

I also read on Facebook, a friend of a friend who commented on a status update about New Zealand passing a bill (convincingly I might add) giving the right for gays to marry. This FOF (friend of a friend) said they are “just not in favour of changing the definition of marriage.” Who defines what a marriage is? The bible? The church? I am married, but I don’t go to church and was not married in a church, so should my relationship be classified as something other than a “marriage”? “Give them the same rights and call it something else,” FOF argues. What does it matter what it’s called? Why is it so offensive to have it be called a MARRIAGE, just like it is for straight people? And tell me, how does it affect you? The only people who don’t want these rights for everyone are people who aren’t affected by it what so ever.

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Similarly, when something terrible happens, like the rape (and subsequent death) of the girl on the bus in India or the abduction and murder of Jill Meagher, people talk about our rights to be or go where we want to, when we want to, without being harmed.

I don’t deny that it <em>should </em>be a basic human right to be able to walk down any street at any time of day, on our own, and make it home safely. Sadly, I don’t think it is a reality. And as much as I’d like to tell my daughter, if I had one, that it is ok to walk alone in Surfers, at 3 am, is that the reality? Not really.

My mum was a single mother of three girls. One thing I always remember her telling us was to not put ourselves “in that situation.” This is not saying anyone is asking for it or that they deserve it or that they are in any way at fault for being where they are. NO ONE asks or deserves to be assaulted, abused, harmed in any way, much less murdered. And in a perfect world it wouldn’t happen, but it does.

What if could teach women that they can do or be whatever or whoever they want, but we also taught them to think twice, to question situations, that they don’t <em>always</em> have to be strong and independent. What if we taught them that there is nothing weak or wrong with having a friend walk you home? Because there may come a time that her actions and decisions in a certain situation save her life. You can’t control what others do, but you can control what you do.

Every day I see news stories that make me wonder why we ever bought a child into this world. The most recent story was about 23 year old Sunil Tripathi – still so young – who was mistakenly identified as one of the Boston bombers from the security footage. This young man’s body was found in a river. With very little details available, it left me wondering if he had taken his own life or if someone had decided to take justice into their own hands. I worry about my son, as he grows up, what kind of trouble will he find himself in? Possibly by simply looking like someone who committed a terrible crime.

I wish I could believe in a world where our rights protect us, but it is not the world we live in today. It’s not the world that women in the middle east live in. It’s not the world the Newton, Connecticut children lived in. It’s not the world Sunil Tripathi or Jill Meagher lived in, either. Bad things happen. Sometimes foregoing some of our rights can stop them from happening. I guess the question is, what is more important?

Linking up with Kirsty at My Home Truths for I Must Confess

My Home Truths

I Must Confess : Regrets

I’ve never really talked about this incident, so it’s a bit hard for me to put this into words. A long time ago, in a work environment, I hit someone. I didn’t think it was that hard, and I did to him what he had just done to someone else. He had pointed to another worker’s chest, then when they looked down, slapped them in the face. He did it fairly playfully, but when I did it to him, I hit him quite hard. It was made worse by the fact we’d had a bit of a disagreement earlier in the day in another work setting. To this day I regret doing that, and even though it didn’t turn into a big situation at the time, it could have, and I could have gotten in a lot of trouble. Perhaps I should have.

Years before that, when I was still in college, I treated one of my teammates so disgracefully I’m ashamed every time I think about it. Even 13 years later. I was a bully. There is no other term for it, and I have no excuses. I was just a terrible person. I even tracked this girl down on myspace when that site was all the rage, and sent a message apologizing. Next thing I know, her profile was set to private.

Another time, when I was living with 2 housemates, a mutual friend of ours wanted to move in with us, and I said no. I said it was because of space, but it was because I was jealous of this friend. If I had been a true friend, I’d have said of course. Things changed between all of us after that.

When I look back at regrets in my life, it is not things I have or haven’t bought. It is not things I have or haven’t done. It is how I have treated people. And while those situations all make me cringe, I also think they have made me the person I am today. A person who is maybe a little bit more thoughtful, who considers situations a little bit more before saying things, who puts themselves in others’ shoes before I make judgement or comments.

Some people say they have no regrets, that every decision they’ve ever made, everything they’ve ever done, has led them to where and who they are today. I can see and understand that argument to an extent. Yes, the things I’ve said and done have made me who I am, but I will always regret situations where I was not the best person I could be.

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Do you have any regrets? Why not confess them today with Kirsty at My Home Truths!?

My Home Truths