A New Day

I can’t remember the last time I talked about it. It’s not something I like to talk about a lot. Not because I don’t think it should be mentioned, not because I think it’s something I should keep quiet or be “ashamed” about. I guess I don’t talk about it much because I don’t want to give it any power, and putting it into words not only makes it real, but I feel it makes it powerful.

I think I’ve been coping quite well in recent memory. I have normal highs and lows, and the lows don’t last very long, or are often associated with hormonal swings. But every now and then there are times that I seriously just hate my life. It is hard to say those words. On paper, heck even in reality, I really don’t have anything to hate. Not technically. There are times I feel pretty hard done by. I lost my dad and my uncle both at such very young ages, I’ve had fertility issues, I’ve had dental issues…to be honest I feel like “all the shit” happens to me! But then I see a severely disabled child, or a funeral notice for a young mother who has passed of cancer, or a tribute to a gorgeous young woman who has died in a car crash (yes, all of those things were in my Facebook feed this week!) and I think “What on earth do you have to hate about your life, woman, suck it up!”

But anyone who has dealt with any kind of depression knows it’s not just a matter of “sucking it up.” Having a depressive episode doesn’t mean I am not grateful and it doesn’t mean I am selfish.

During these times, my chest feels tight. My eyes brim with tears more often than not, and it’s all I can do to stop them from spilling over. During these times, I feel like the worst mother and wife in the world. How can I hate my life? They are the biggest part of my life. I am coming to find that during these times I feel run down, unwell, tired and lethargic.

Part of the problem is that my life, now in my mid-30s, is so far away from what I thought it would be it’s not even in the same galaxy. I feel like a part of me is in mourning for the life I thought I’d have. Which is a shame, because that distracts and takes away from the life I do have. I’ve always been a believer in “if you don’t like it, change it” which is why I went back to uni this year, to get a masters degree. But that is proving harder than I thought it would be, which makes me panic. And then the whole vicious cycle starts. Panic, stress, run down, tired, depressed, mid-life-crises, everything-sucks and here I am. Not blogging, not exercising, not breathing and not living. I want to wake up and be excited about my day. I want to be excited about what I’m off to do. I want to have things to look forward to other than having the next bill paid off. I want to know that who I am and what I do makes a difference to someone.

I wrote all of that above last night and saved it. This morning, after a 45 minute weight training session at the park, things look a whole lot brighter. I even changed the title from The Black Dog to A New Day. I’m thankful that this time, a new day and some exercise has helped to lighten my mood. That isn’t always the case. I guess all I can do, all anyone can do, is take things one day, one moment if need be, at a time, and just keep going. It’s Friday, my boss is on holidays, I have tomorrow off with my family, there is a lot to look forward to today.

How do you get through the tough times? What are you looking forward to today? 

Linking up with Grace for Flog Yo’ Blog Friday!

9 thoughts on “A New Day

  1. Can I just say.. i feel the same way too. Sometimes I get pretty depressed and feel bad about that because really, nothing sucks *that* bad in my life. Sometimes I get out of that rut pretty quick, but sometimes, it just sucks more people, mostly my hubby, in too. Urgh.

    Ai @ Sakura Haruka

  2. I hear you, but I’m sad to see that shame is mentioned so often in this post, I really admire the heck out of you for going back to Uni and chasing that degree, and depression is so bloody common that there is honestly NOTHING to feel ashamed of.

    I’ve been hanging out with the black dog for most of this year after my parents emphatically and cruelly rejected me and my husband and kids, but finally that weight and darkness is lifting. Would you believe that a lot of it has lifted because I joined the gym? It seems that the hormone rush from working out is really beneficial for moods and depression.

    A bit of a rambling comment I know, but I just want to send you a big hug. Go easy on yourself, you seem pretty cool to me.

    Ana. xxx

  3. Big hugs Aroha. Xxx
    I’m glad you feel better today after getting some exercise in. Don’t be so hard on yourself modern life is a lot to try and contend with, cut yourself some slack you are doing a Uni Degree that’s brilliant – it may be hard but you’re doing it! YOU ARE AMAZING AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT MRS 🙂

  4. Great post. And an important post. Thanks so much for sharing.
    I get through tough times by looking what I do have and finding gratitude in that. And also knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel … even if I have to stride down the tunnel and flick the light switch myself. Sometimes it takes a while to find the switch … but knowing it’s there gives hope.
    Depression is a tricky beast.
    I hope you are never too far away from your light switch.
    You’re doing an amazing job!
    Leanne @ Deep Fried Fruit

  5. Good on you Aroha for welcoming a new day. I don’t think we do ourselves any favours when we feel ashamed of our dark thoughts, but that’s what we do. When we were in the horrible thickness of IVF, after 8 failed cycles and I finally acknowledged my depression, I think at least I felt justified – well of course anyone would be depressed. When the dark times have revisited since I’ve found it so much harder for to justify to my own feelings to myself. Going back to uni is a big thing and you are doing so well – keep up the exercise and enjoy a wonderful Friday, and then a lovely Saturday and if you do feel down, don’t beat yourself up.

  6. Oh lovely, just reading this now, after we spoke. You have every right to feel like this, but I can see the silver lining and because after every negative thing you write something positive afterwards. So glad you got out and exercised, life is so easy to get stuck in a rut at times, and after speaking to Matt today, a C5 Quadriplegic I am so inspired. You are wise to just take each day as it comes, searching for the light when you can and try to remember that if you’re not happy with the direction of your life, you are the only one that can change it, and I’ll be here for the ride also, here whenever you need me xxx

  7. Thank you for posting it. I’m glad you feel brighter today, but it’s okay if you don’t. No shame. No reason to apologise or point to others who have it worse. It’s okay not to feel okay. You’re gorgeous. x

  8. Sweetheart, hang in there. Depression is such a bitch and the episodes can be beyond explanation. Everyone’s experience is different but I do understand where you’re coming from. And good for you for changing the title. It means you still have hope that things will get better and that’s a HUGE, positive step forward. Thinking of you and sending big hugs, Aroha xxx

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