Most of the time, I am OK with having one child. And I am more than OK with having a son. I am thankful that he is healthy, happy (when he’s not whinging), and he honestly is the light of my life. Yes, we wanted more, but it hasn’t happened, and slowly I have been coming to terms with it. My husband, I think, came to terms with it much quicker, and a while ago. But I know he still thinks about it, too.
It’s always hurt me when people have had a preference on the sex of their unborn baby. Not being able to have a second child, I wouldn’t have cared if you gave me a monkey let alone if it was a girl or a boy! I just wanted a baby! And truly, if we were to get a second miracle, I’d be stoked if it was another boy. But lately there have been times where it has really hit home that I will (probably) never have a daughter. I will never get to dress a daughter up in cute clothes, take her shopping when she’s older, talk about boys and love and heartache and girly things. I won’t get to be mother of the bride, I won’t get to have the chance of a mother-daughter relationship, which is so different to a mother-son relationship.
Being close to my mum and relying on her for so much, I realize there will be no daughter to rely on me. Let’s face it, typically women want to be near their mums and they need their mums. Men? Not so much. And when they’re grown up, and choose their partner, she will want to be near her family.
I know it’s ridiculous to worry about this, and to mourn something that I’d have no idea of the outcome of anyway, but I can’t help it. I saw a woman at the grocery store with two older boys – probably 8 and 5 – and a baby girl. And I hated her. I did! I didn’t even know her! And I don’t know her situation, how dare I judge her based on the sex of her kids?
I think in my head I have believed everyone when they have said “It will happen.” But it hasn’t, and it probably won’t. That is a very, very real possibility. I know people are trying to be helpful. It doesn’t help. Not even one little bit. And to be honest, there are just as many times now where I think “I could not handle another baby” as there are times I want another one. And while my heart hurts for us, it truly aches for those who will never get to be a mum. I imagine their pain is so much greater than mine, and I wouldn’t know where to start coming to terms with that.
Lately I have heard of so much fertility problems. Just from the few people I know. Has it always been so common? What did we do? What is wrong with us?
I thought eventually I would accept our situation. And while on some levels I guess I do accept it, I also am realizing that there will always be a small hole in my heart that never got filled. Having my niece move 13 hours away has just made it that much more obvious, I think. At least when she was here and I babysat her once a week, I got to pretend for a little while. Today I confess, I don’t think I will ever fully accept it and be 100% OK with it. And I wonder if anyone ever does?
Linking up with Kirsty at My Home Truths for I Must Confess