Coming to Terms

Most of the time, I am OK with having one child. And I am more than OK with having a son. I am thankful that he is healthy, happy (when he’s not whinging), and he honestly is the light of my life. Yes, we wanted more, but it hasn’t happened, and slowly I have been coming to terms with it. My husband, I think, came to terms with it much quicker, and a while ago. But I know he still thinks about it, too.

It’s always hurt me when people have had a preference on the sex of their unborn baby. Not being able to have a second child, I wouldn’t have cared if you gave me a monkey let alone if it was a girl or a boy! I just wanted a baby! And truly, if we were to get a second miracle, I’d be stoked if it was another boy. But lately there have been times where it has really hit home that I will (probably) never have a daughter. I will never get to dress a daughter up in cute clothes, take her shopping when she’s older, talk about boys and love and heartache and girly things. I won’t get to be mother of the bride, I won’t get to have the chance of a mother-daughter relationship, which is so different to a mother-son relationship.

Being close to my mum and relying on her for so much, I realize there will be no daughter to rely on me. Let’s face it, typically women want to be near their mums and they need their mums. Men? Not so much. And when they’re grown up, and choose their partner, she will want to be near her family.

I know it’s ridiculous to worry about this, and to mourn something that I’d have no idea of the outcome of anyway, but I can’t help it. I saw a woman at the grocery store with two older boys – probably 8 and 5 – and a baby girl. And I hated her. I did! I didn’t even know her! And I don’t know her situation, how dare I judge her based on the sex of her kids?

I think in my head I have believed everyone when they have said “It will happen.” But it hasn’t, and it probably won’t. That is a very, very real possibility. I know people are trying to be helpful. It doesn’t help. Not even one little bit. And to be honest, there are just as many times now where I think “I could not handle another baby” as there are times I want another one. And while my heart hurts for us, it truly aches for those who will never get to be a mum. I imagine their pain is so much greater than mine, and I wouldn’t know where to start coming to terms with that.

Lately I have heard of so much fertility problems. Just from the few people I know. Has it always been so common? What did we do? What is wrong with us?

I thought eventually I would accept our situation. And while on some levels I guess I do accept it, I also am realizing that there will always be a small hole in my heart that never got filled. Having my niece move 13 hours away has just made it that much more obvious, I think. At least when she was here and I babysat her once a week, I got to pretend for a little while. Today I confess, I don’t think I will ever fully accept it and be 100% OK with it. And I wonder if anyone ever does?

Linking up with Kirsty at My Home Truths for I Must Confess

My Home Truths

13 thoughts on “Coming to Terms

  1. Oh, Aroha… I always wanted a daughter. I also have a wonderful relationship with my mum. Now, I just want a child but I do understand how you feel… Deep down inside, I want both, a daughter and a son, healthy and happy. And you know what, I don’t want to feel bad because I’m asking for this.
    People try to make it better by saying it will happen but, I’m thinking, well no one knows if it will happen right… And it does annoy me too when people say that.
    As for the fertility problems, I don’t know if there are more now. Maybe before it was the same thing but people use to talk less about this subject, as if it was taboo to talk about infertility.

    • Thanks Rita. I honestly believe the food and toxins and crap we put in our bodies these days contributes to the high infertility rates. I read yesterday that 1 in 4 (soon to be 1 in 3) women will have some fertility troubles. That is an astounding number! We have gone wrong somewhere! And everyone is different so what might affect one person/couple may not affect the next in the same way. I hope you get your dream pigeon pair xo

  2. I’m sorry that you are having fertility issues and I have no idea what to say, for fear of making a fool of myself. It’s a journey that I have no personal experience of, and it breaks my heart that people like yourself who make awesome parents continue to struggle to have babies. While others are popping them out like rabbits and not giving two damns about their welfare.
    I don’t have a great relationship with my mum, sure she is there if I need her, but we have a very rocky relationship. I sometimes think what it would be like to have a daughter, but I can’t get past the fear of not being able to cope with two children. I’m content with my one, for a multitude of reasons but it doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes think what it would be like to have another.

    • I wish I could make sense of why troubled people have no problem having babies, but (relatively) good ones have such struggles. There is no rhyme or reason, and it’s very frustrating. I do often think too, that it could be something I want but once I get it would realise how easy things were and how lucky I was to just have one? One of those grass is always greener type things. I also often worry about my ability to cope with another, too! xo

  3. I so feel for you – just know it’s okay not to be okay Aroha. I don’t think anyone can be completely okay with a situation which is out of their control. Can I say I continue to be amazed by your courage and honesty in writing about your experiences – I hope opening up helps you come to some sort of acceptance xx

    • Thanks Kirsty. I think/hope that by writing it it will help not only me to come to terms with things, but others who may be having the same thoughts/feelings. It is really nice to not feel so alone in this, and it helps to read others who go through the same thing, even though I would not wish this on my worst enemy, there is some kind of peace in numbers? xo

  4. I feel your pain Aroha all too well… Desperately wanting a baby of my own and knowing I too have fertility issues (but also being tragically single) I really know where you are coming from. I recently went to see someone to talk through a few things that have been going on in my world and she gave me some good advice that I’d like to pass on to you…
    “sometimes things are shit! and there’s no use in trying to cover them with icing because it’s still shit underneath”
    So I think you are more than allowed to stop your foot every now and then and say out loud “I wanted a baby girl and I don’t have one and that’s shit!”

    When a friend of mine fell pregnant for the 4th time she was desperate to have a girl after having 3 boys and broke down in tears on the phone and blubbered “I’ll never get to buy anything pink”…I think every woman dreams about having a little girl..

    PS…apologies for swearing on your blog but after your “shit Aussies say” post the other week I figure you would forgive me??

    • Swearing is allowed on my blog. Wait till you meet me “IRL”….I can make a sailor blush! I think it’s hard for women to accept not having a girl. Funny enough, I think my husband is just as heartbroken about it, he wanted a girl the first time around. Obviously we’re both completely in love with Nick and he is the light of our lives, it’s just a different relationship with different genders. I hope the universe has your man and baby on their way to you xo

  5. I think, no I KNOW, I would feel exactly same in your shoes, and I think you have every right to want to have a girl. And I don’t think you should EVER have to come to terms or accept that you haven’t been able to have another. But I’m proud of you because you don’t let it rule your life, I know it’s there but you are still happy, getting fit, socialising, and making great family memories. Hugs to you my friend xx

    • Thanks Ems. I can’t let it rule my life, or I’ll miss out on everything now, and that would be a double tragedy! There are times it consumes me more than others, but I try to just go through the process and get on with things. It’s been an emotional few days – damn being a woman! Always turn into a big old sop this time of month!

  6. OMG! I am sending a MASSIVE gigantically (is that a word?) huge hug to you right now. I know the feeling of wanting a child so desperately and being told I’ll never have one. I know that ache, the hollowness, the yearning. I know what it’s like to look at others like the woman you saw at the supermarket, or drug addicts etc who have millions of kids at the drop of the hat. It is cruel and unfair that some of the world’s most special people can not conceive. You sound as though you are dealing with it in the best way you can though. You have the right attitude and although some days it will hurt like hell, you’ll manage to get through. Your little boy will just have extra love from his mummy and daddy. Anyway, I’m rambling. Hugs again x

  7. I am so so sorry you have gone through this hun. I know when I am whinging about my kids I need to be pull myself up and be a little more grateful that I have more than one to whinge about. But I do totally get the sex envy thing. I look at people with a girl and I just cant help but feel envious. Although I know I am so blessed with my 3 beautiful boys I just have always craved a girl. I hate that I will always be the MOther in Law if you know what I mean xx

  8. I totally agree with Tegans comment Aroha, I don’t have the words to eloquently say anything remotely useful here without putting my foot totally in my mouth so I am just going to say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being honest about what you want. Am sending you big virtual hugs XOX

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