I’m so frustrated. I’m trying, desperately, not to be, but I can’t help it.
You think you want one thing, then that doesn’t happen, so another thing comes up and you figure that’s why the first thing didn’t happen, so that this thing could. Then THAT thing doesn’t happen, and you’re left wondering “What the hell?”
I know life is a never-ending river ride, of ebbs and flows, and you need to be like a willow wisp and bend with those tides. But I really think it’s time for my river to start flowing in another direction. I keep wanting things, going after things, and not getting them. Which is fine. I’m not saying I should always get what I want, but I do believe things happen (or don’t happen as the case may be) for a reason, and I’m ready for that reason to come along.
As an example, I applied for a job – a big job – that was exactly what my background is in. Without going into too much detail, I (and a couple of people who know me) thought I’d be a shoe-in. This job was going to solve some of our problems, it was going to help us get ahead, set us up for the future, finally. This was going to give me purpose. A career to look forward to. It was going to make me feel “more than”. More than just a mum, more than just a part time employee. Long story short, I didn’t even get an interview! Another example, we’ve been talking for a while now about moving into a house. We rent a unit from my mum, which is great, but we’d love a yard with the potential for a pet, and a bit more space. I look every day online, waiting for the ideal house (in our price range – lots of ideal houses outside it!) to come along. The first time in weeks I haven’t checked for a couple of days, and the perfect house comes along, but by the time I’ve seen it and inquired about it, it’s already gone!
I know, maybe all these things are just not meant to be. But I want more. That’s not to say I’m not thankful for what I have, because I am. But I think the moment you stop wanting more, is the moment you stop dreaming. I don’t want the world on a silver platter, though it would be nice, I just want something to go our way. It feels like it has been so long since we had a bit of luck.
I know I say all this now, but if something were to go our way, if something big(gish) was to happen, I’d probably go into full blown panic mode that something was going to go wrong. At least for the moment we are just cruising along, which is more than some people are doing. I do realise in that respect, we are fortunate. It’s nice to be in a routine, to have people, activities, outings that fill our lives. We have things to look forward to (Pink! Bon Jovi!).
For now, I feel like I’ve been bending so far, for so long, in one direction that I’m stuck there and nothing is going to change. It’s the feeling of mediocrity. And I am so tired of feeling frustrated. So, universe, I’m ready. I’m ready for the next challenge. Bring it!