Buried In The Subconscious

I must confess, I used to think fears were ridiculous, and that holding onto shit from the past and using it as an excuse was a terrible way to live life. Until I developed a few fears of my own and realised why.

It’s amazing how something that happened to you so long ago, that you think or thought you had gotten over, can still affect you, but you have no idea it does.

For a while now I’ve been a terrible passenger when someone else is driving. My fear of flying has well and truly gotten out of control. I was a nervous wreck when I had to be placed under a general anesthetic for surgery twice. I’ve wondered WHY I have these “control issues.” I don’t feel like a control freak, as such, but I clearly have a very difficult time trusting others to do their jobs.

Last week I went to see a naturopath. She has many different certifications in alternative therapies and medicine, and she is often like a counselor for me. I pour my heart out to her, and she helps me make sense of things. So during our session when she said to me, “What happened when you were 22?” I wasn’t surprised that things started falling into place.

Me: I was in a pretty serious car crash.
Her: Were you driving?
Me: No.
Her: Do you think “If I had been driving that wouldn’t have happened?”
Me: Oh…..I guess so.

Insert light bulbs and ah-ha moments here.  Ding ding ding ding ding!

It’s not that I have ever forgotten about the accident. I still remember it, I can picture the van and trailer in the ditch, facing the opposite direction to which we were traveling, stuff strewn everywhere. I can picture the people who stopped to help us, the ambulance ride, the small town we were then stranded in for hours until people came to get us. I can picture the drive from the small town we were in, to Vegas, and my having to drive while the girl who crashed the van slept in the passenger seat.

I can clearly hear the operations manager back in Atlanta saying the words, “We didn’t know if you were dead or alive.” When someone tells you they thought there was a possibility you were dead, it’s a bit of a mind-f*&^. And you realise you are lucky to have walked away, relatively unscathed. Until, that is, 13 years later when you wonder where these control issues you have came from.

The only challenge now is how to get over it. How to accept that I am not always in control, I do not have to be in control, and I am ok with having no control. I’ve made baby steps, on what I hope is a path to complete recovery, and fear-free flying in the future. I am not ashamed of my fear, but I will be ashamed if it keeps me from doing and seeing wonderful things.

Linking up with Kirsty at My Home Truths for a long over-due I Must Confess

17 thoughts on “Buried In The Subconscious

  1. It’s good to make that connection so that you know where something comes from – the biggest dis-service you can do yourself is to do nothing about it but seeing as you are already making baby-steps towards changing how you feel about not being in control, you are definitely on the right path !!!
    Good luck and have a great week !

  2. It’s really good that you are starting to make sense of it, it sounds like a horrendous accident and I can certainly understand why these control issues are there for you, I think I would be exactly the same in your shoes. It sounds like you have the right attitude when it comes to flying as well, don’t let it stop you seeing and doing all the amazing things the world has to offer. Good Luck, I hope you are able to work through it. Xx

  3. Well done on working towards a breakthrough! Amazing how one comversation can send you into an a whole new way of thinking! All the best with overcoming those fears – sometimes letting go of the control can be very liberating! 🙂

  4. That is great news hun, hopefully it’ll free up your thinking/feeling a bit and your, happy gorgeous self will shine through all the time! And great news a naturopath was able to help you unlock some of those memories xx

  5. Oh I love an A-ha moment ! I can deal with almost anything if I know where the fear originates from. This is a huge step towards living a free-er and less fearful life. So pleased you have a naturopath who is in tune with you and who you trust. I don’t think any of this makes you a control freak, it means you have very real experiences which make you prefer to be holding the reins. It’s up to you to decide who you share the reins with from now on.

    • Maybe the secret is to have a coffee with every pilot who ever flies any of my flights before hand from now on? 🙂 If only it was that easy! Surely this is a step in the right direction. Thanks Lisa!

    • Thanks Lisa. I think the hardest step will be getting on a plane again. No trips planned for the immediate future, so nothing to fret over just yet, but thank you for the support and words of encouragement.

  6. I also have control issues! I just cannot fathom the source of them.
    If I visit a Doctor, I just want to push them off their seat and help myself.
    Perhaps it’s the former company manager in me?
    The accident sounds terrible. Hopefully things will come good with time. Good luck.

    • Thanks Jody. Maybe you should see my naturopath! I used to run an organisation but never felt controlling or the need for control over that. Hmmm, we are all different, so who knows?!

  7. Awesome that you were able to make a connection to why you have been feeling the way you have. It really is like a lightbulb going off isn’t it? Good luck in working through the other areas and becoming more relaxed.

  8. It great to have a revelation and understand why you behave the way you do. Understanding you won’t always be in control is a daily challenge. You’re not alone in this journey.

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