I must confess, I used to think fears were ridiculous, and that holding onto shit from the past and using it as an excuse was a terrible way to live life. Until I developed a few fears of my own and realised why.
It’s amazing how something that happened to you so long ago, that you think or thought you had gotten over, can still affect you, but you have no idea it does.
For a while now I’ve been a terrible passenger when someone else is driving. My fear of flying has well and truly gotten out of control. I was a nervous wreck when I had to be placed under a general anesthetic for surgery twice. I’ve wondered WHY I have these “control issues.” I don’t feel like a control freak, as such, but I clearly have a very difficult time trusting others to do their jobs.
Last week I went to see a naturopath. She has many different certifications in alternative therapies and medicine, and she is often like a counselor for me. I pour my heart out to her, and she helps me make sense of things. So during our session when she said to me, “What happened when you were 22?” I wasn’t surprised that things started falling into place.
Me: I was in a pretty serious car crash.
Her: Were you driving?
Her: Do you think “If I had been driving that wouldn’t have happened?”
Me: Oh…..I guess so.
Insert light bulbs and ah-ha moments here. Ding ding ding ding ding!
It’s not that I have ever forgotten about the accident. I still remember it, I can picture the van and trailer in the ditch, facing the opposite direction to which we were traveling, stuff strewn everywhere. I can picture the people who stopped to help us, the ambulance ride, the small town we were then stranded in for hours until people came to get us. I can picture the drive from the small town we were in, to Vegas, and my having to drive while the girl who crashed the van slept in the passenger seat.
I can clearly hear the operations manager back in Atlanta saying the words, “We didn’t know if you were dead or alive.” When someone tells you they thought there was a possibility you were dead, it’s a bit of a mind-f*&^. And you realise you are lucky to have walked away, relatively unscathed. Until, that is, 13 years later when you wonder where these control issues you have came from.
The only challenge now is how to get over it. How to accept that I am not always in control, I do not have to be in control, and I am ok with having no control. I’ve made baby steps, on what I hope is a path to complete recovery, and fear-free flying in the future. I am not ashamed of my fear, but I will be ashamed if it keeps me from doing and seeing wonderful things.
Linking up with Kirsty at My Home Truths for a long over-due I Must Confess