Since my last real blog post, in which the birth of a stillborn baby I don’t even know really put my life into perspective, I’ve been in a bit of a funk.
I debated blogging today, because I feel if I don’t have anything positive or upbeat to say, then perhaps I should just keep quiet. And so quiet I’ve kept, for 10 days now.
Perhaps in my real life as much as on this blog, because I had a text from my husband today asking if I was ok, saying that I haven’t seemed my usual self lately. I guess I haven’t been. And to an extent I’m not even sure what my “usual” self is these days.
I do know that I go through the motions every day. I am a creature of habit and don’t handle it too well when my routine changes. I stress about things normal people don’t stress about. So for a while now we’ve gone through our daily routines, Mondays and Wednesday are training, Wednesday is tennis for both me AND Nick, Saturday is Soccer, Sun/Mon/Thurs/Fri are work days for me…it’s the same thing every week. And while I like routine and it keeps me calm, there is a part of me that longs for spontaneity of being able to pack up the car and go away for a weekend. But our jobs don’t afford us that luxury. And then whenever we DO have something like that pop up, the once a year it happens, my anxiety kicks in and I wonder if we should go at all and suddenly my day-in-day-out, month-in-month-out routine doesn’t seem so dull anymore.
I find myself a bit more highly strung than I think I’ve ever been in my life, and I can’t even pinpoint why. I am probably the healthiest I have been in a very long time, physically. But mentally, I am stuck.
One thing I’ve learned is to pinpoint and focus on the positives. The best I’ve felt in recent years, mentally, was back when I was doing my daily gratitude journal. I felt so good I stopped doing it, you know, magically cured and all. And it’s been a slow and steady decline ever since.
Like most things in life, I know what I need to do. I know what will help. But I get complacent and forget or just don’t do it. So starting today I’m going to make an effort to give thanks daily. Maybe on Facebook or Instagram, not necessarily in a journal or blog post. Just as long as I think about it and give true honest thanks for it, I think I will see an improvement. Most likely within a week there will be improvement.
Today, I’m thankful I decided to finally buy those wiffle balls and take Nick to the paddock to have a whack with his golf clubs we bought when he was a baby. He’s finally grown into them. It brought back so many memories of my dad, growing up and going to golf, him trying to teach us what to do and us not listening. As soon as Nick said, “No mummy, I know what I am doing” it all came back to me. I miss my dad so much, and it should be him here teaching Nick. I’m just so grateful Nick is so excited about it and really wants to do golf. The sport has given me so much in my life, I’d love to see Nick get out of it even half of what I have.
Linking up with Jess for IBOT, because I was AWOL last week! Sorry!