Where Do You Go?

Since my last real blog post, in which the birth of a stillborn baby I don’t even know really put my life into perspective, I’ve been in a bit of a funk.

I debated blogging today, because I feel if I don’t have anything positive or upbeat to say, then perhaps I should just keep quiet. And so quiet I’ve kept, for 10 days now.

Perhaps in my real life as much as on this blog, because I had a text from my husband today asking if I was ok, saying that I haven’t seemed my usual self lately. I guess I haven’t been. And to an extent I’m not even sure what my “usual” self is these days.

I do know that I go through the motions every day. I am a creature of habit and don’t handle it too well when my routine changes. I stress about things normal people don’t stress about. So for a while now we’ve gone through our daily routines, Mondays and Wednesday are training, Wednesday is tennis for both me AND Nick, Saturday is Soccer, Sun/Mon/Thurs/Fri are work days for me…it’s the same thing every week. And while I like routine and it keeps me calm, there is a part of me that longs for spontaneity of being able to pack up the car and go away for a weekend. But our jobs don’t afford us that luxury. And then whenever we DO have something like that pop up, the once a year it happens, my anxiety kicks in and I wonder if we should go at all and suddenly my day-in-day-out, month-in-month-out routine doesn’t seem so dull anymore.

I find myself a bit more highly strung than I think I’ve ever been in my life, and I can’t even pinpoint why. I am probably the healthiest I have been in a very long time, physically. But mentally, I am stuck.

One thing I’ve learned is to pinpoint and focus on the positives. The best I’ve felt in recent years, mentally, was back when I was doing my daily gratitude journal. I felt so good I stopped doing it, you know, magically cured and all.  And it’s been a slow and steady decline ever since.

Like most things in life, I know what I need to do. I know what will help. But I get complacent and forget or just don’t do it. So starting today I’m going to make an effort to give thanks daily. Maybe on Facebook or Instagram, not necessarily in a journal or blog post. Just as long as I think about it and give true honest thanks for it, I think I will see an improvement. Most likely within a week there will be improvement.

Today, I’m thankful I decided to finally buy those wiffle balls and take Nick to the paddock to have a whack with his golf clubs we bought when he was a baby. He’s finally grown into them. It brought back so many memories of my dad, growing up and going to golf, him trying to teach us what to do and us not listening. As soon as Nick said, “No mummy, I know what I am doing” it all came back to me. I miss my dad so much, and it should be him here teaching Nick. I’m just so grateful Nick is so excited about it and really wants to do golf. The sport has given me so much in my life, I’d love to see Nick get out of it even half of what I have.

nick golf

Linking up with Jess for IBOT, because I was AWOL last week! Sorry!


30 thoughts on “Where Do You Go?

  1. As I was reading I was thinking “gratitude” and there it was. It is the best remedy I know. Hugs for missing your dad. It is great that the three of you can be connected through golf though – lovely xxx deb

    • Thanks Deb. And much of what I’ve learned I learned from the weeks I did your 52 weeks challenge! Especially the part about looking back at when things went RIGHT instead of WRONG! xo

  2. How about we try this together – I need something to keep my focus off the fact that A is away and just counting down the days until he gets home again. I have an app called the Gratitude Journal – there is also a daily photo app – I will commit to sitting down once a day and ‘writing’ in my journal what I am grateful for.
    I hope you feel better soon – take care and call if you want to chat !!!!
    Love, hugs and positive energy !

  3. It’s a wonderful new routine you are starting. I’ve been in a rut mentally too and am just starting ganbanyoku to help me relax more and free my mind from all the thoughts that run through it for a while. Wish I could do it more than once a week, but that’s all the time I can afford now

    Ai @ Sakura Haruka

  4. Firstly, I think it’s ok to feel bad (or in a funk). The only way to work through those feelings is to go with them for a bit. It’s the not letting them get on top of you that’s the slippery slope. So feel free to unload as a lot of helpful ears will listen.
    Secondly, the gratitude idea is great, especially if it helps you. Good luck and hang in there – if nothing else, getting outdoors and having a bit of fun can work wonders. Small moments combine to make big ones.

  5. Gratitude is totally uplifting. We’re always going to come and go in life and I don’t know if you’ve had treatment for anxiety before but… I met a lovely man today who’s been seeing a psychiatrist for two or three years to help deal with anxiety and it’s changed his life around. He’s 79 now, with many less anxious years to go, lets hope. I’ve been at one self-help group today and also saw Elbie psychologist, and talked and wept through some grief issues and made an appointment to go back. Therapy has helped me immensely in life, immensely… but the daily self-help, like gratitude diary is priceless too.

    • I did go to therapy after my dad died and my anxiety hit an all time high. And it DID help. I’ve also been sitting on a referral back there for the last 6 months. It really is time to act, but I never seem to think about it in business hours!! x

  6. Hi Aroha, there seems to be a little theme going on this weeks IBOT. I’ve read a few emotional taking-a-look-at-life type posts today. I think it is so good to do that every now and then, so you can make some positive changes. I know my funks can go on and on until I have a light-bulb moment and realise what I need to do to fix it. Sometimes it is a simple as a spring clean or moving some furniture around! Gotta love some of that! I’m glad you are taking the time to be grateful, I look forward to reading more posts. xx

    • I have noticed the same theme! Maybe the universe is slightly out of whack this week (month?). Oh, I’d love to move some furniture around! That would be cheaper than moving house, which is what I was looking at last week! ha ha!

  7. Aww that is awesome that Nick is back smashing those balls, your dad will be proud! I gotta say getting through each day has been a battle for me just recently too, but because I’ve been busy making sure everyone else is okay I’ve got through it. I’m here for you, as always. Hugs, xxx
    P.s I have missed your posts and have been looking for them! x

  8. Hey beautiful lady, sometimes we just get down, and it’s hard and it sucks. But usually we get past it and I’m hoping you do too. I heard something tonight that really resonated with me, and it was abandon schedule and embrace spontaneity. Not all the time obviously, but every now and then. Maybe that’s something yo could do one day? Just be a little crazy and hope that if your surprise yourself, the anxiety won’t have time to catch up. (Which probably sounds too simplistic, so sorry. ) xxxx

    • That’s a great idea Jess! I will try to do something spontaneous on my “me day” Tuesday! (See, already “planning” my spontaneity!). It does make sense, and I think a lot of my problems are the “build up” to things – like flying!

  9. I’m so glad to see you back Aroha. I’m sad that you’re feeling down, and hope that you can break free from that feeling soon. Gratitude is a mighty thing, isn’t it?
    Nick looks like a natural with those clubs 🙂
    Take care xx

    • Thanks Lisa. Gratitude is so powerful, it makes me wonder why more people don’t talk about it more often! I hope he’s got some natural talent, it’s in his blood!! Me, my sister, my dad and his dad were all good golfers 🙂

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