Life. It’s exhausting. Well, it can be, when you’re trying to fill every day with activities in an attempt to cover up or ignore everything that is going on in your head and your heart. I’m quickly finding out, that doesn’t work. The void, the hole, the problems, they don’t go away because you ignore them. They stay there. Stubborn. Unmoving. Sometimes putting their thumbs in their ears, wiggling their fingers and blowing raspberries at you, as if to say, “You can’t get rid of me that easily!”
sometimes always feels easier to keep busy, focus on other things like running, personal training, tennis, swimming, soccer, blogging, ANYTHING than having to actually face what is really going on. But it makes things that much more exhausting, because not only are you mentally fighting to keep the shit at bay, you’re also running all over god’s creation, causing just as much physical exhaustion as you are mental.
It can be like riding a roller coaster. One day you do actually forget all the shit and just get on with things. You whoosh down the drop, screaming in excitement, feeling alive, happy, exhilarated*. The next day all you can think about is all the shit, your heart is in your stomach doing somersaults as you climb slowly up the daunting track, anticipating what is going to happen next. Lately I feel I’ve been stuck at the top of that climb. The anticipation, anxiety, fear settling in. So I sit, waiting for that exhilarating drop to come, but it doesn’t. Now, stranded at the top, I need to find a way for the rush to come and blow all the fear and anxiety away.
Maybe it’s time to just deal with all the shit, clear my head, and move on.
* All metaphorically speaking. I hate roller coasters and the entire ride makes me feel nauseous and terrified.