I love being a parent. It is by far the best thing I have ever done, the most challenging role I have ever played, and the most heart-filling, joyful experience I’ve ever known. It is true what they say, there is absolutely NO love, like a mother’s love.
But I also think there is no fear, like a mother’s fear. They don’t tell you that one and I can see why. It doesn’t necessarily have that greeting-card-ring to it, does it?
In some ways I admire people who make the conscious decision to not have children. Some call it selfish, I call it smart. Being a parent is not for everyone. And knowing that it is not for you must require incredible foresight. In fact, I’d say not having children, when you know you don’t particularly want them, is the most selfless thing you can do!
I am a worrier. It is not my finest trait, but it is one I inherited from my paternal grandmother. I think, and correct me if I’m wrong, a mother’s greatest fear is being separated from her child. Or something happening to her child, and she’s not there to do anything about it. Or something happening to her, and she’s not around for her child/ren. When I think about the Morcombes, or hear about other kids who have gone missing, or think about the kids in the Newton shooting before Christmas, I think about their parents, and how they are living every parents worst nightmare. And while I know I can’t live my life, worrying that something will happen to us, I think it’s foolish to think something like that couldn’t happen to you.
I’ve been a right cranky cow the last couple of months. It coincides with my break from personal training, Christmas eating, gaining weight. I have been short-fused with everyone, most especially my husband and son. I have snapped, got angry, said things I shouldn’t say to my child and as soon as the words are out of my mouth, my heart dies a little. This is not the parent I am or want to be. But it’s the parent I am when I start taking my life for granted. When I start taking my family, our health, our blessings for granted.
My life is pretty perfect right now, and I wish I could freeze time. I wish this could last forever and that the fear could be diminished for good. But next week, my son starts school. Next week I will lose him to the system forever and our lives will be dictated by school term dates, homework, and everything else that comes with kids starting school. It is a new phase for us as parents, a new and exciting phase for Nick as a kid. But it terrifies me, too. What if he gets bullied? What if he IS a bully? What if he doesn’t make friends, doesn’t settle in, doesn’t like it?
The joys of parenting. Of course I wouldn’t change it for the world. Nothing in my life has brought me the same happiness he has. It’s just another thing they don’t tell you about when you’re having a baby. It’s no wonder my husband and I have both gone grey in the last few years. I have a feeling the worrying never goes away.
Are you a worry-wart? How do you combat it?
Flogging my blog with Mama Grace,
who has some cute pics of bloggers as babies on her post today. Do you know who they are?