Once A Month…

I confess, about this time, every month, I start to wonder. I wonder what it would be like if that dreaded monthly visitor women get didn’t show up. I wonder what it would be like to POAS and actually have two lines appear, instead of just one. I wonder what it would be like to tell my husband the news – and how I would tell him. I wonder what it would be like telling family and friends who know how long we’ve been trying. I wonder what kind of post I would write here to let my readers know the happy news. I wonder what it would be like to tell Nick he’s finally going to be a big brother.

And every month, all these thoughts make it that much harder when the bitch shows up.

If I have to hear one more piece of advice, one more sympathetic condolence, one more comment about how unfair it is, I might just scream, or spontaneously self-combust. If I have to hear one more, “I can’t imagine how it must feel” I won’t be held responsible for what I reply with. If I hear one more, “Oh, that will be a big gap if it happens now” I won’t be held responsible for giving that person a gap – in their front teeth.

Now, with our only child starting school in 2 weeks, maybe they’re right. Maybe it is too late. Maybe that ship has sailed, and going back to square one is not a good idea. But maybe it’s not, maybe it’s the perfect time to have another one. Nick has had our undivided (mostly) attention for 4.5 years. He has been given probably more opportunities than some other 4.5 year olds who have siblings to contend with. If another came along now, with Nick at school, that child would get a lot of my time, also.

It seems either way we can’t win. If you have them too close together you feel guilty they don’t get enough of your time. If you have them too far apart people make you feel guilty that they won’t be “close” growing up. Either way, the important thing is that they’re loved and they know it. It doesn’t matter if they have no siblings or 10. I’m officially sick of being asked about it, talking about it, thinking about it, dreaming about it, wondering about it. I must confess, I’m ready to just move on with our life, and the new chapter we’re embarking on as parents of a school child!

Linking up with Kirsty at My Home Truths for I Must Confess

and Alicia at One Mother Hen for Open Slather

18 thoughts on “Once A Month…

  1. School! When our oldest two began school I was so proud, so scared and so sad. I had spent four years at home with our son, and the thought of anyone else being able to look after him as well as I could was almost impossible for me to conceive! But they have grown as little people so much more since they started. Now our baby (2.5yo) is giving up her dummy, her day-time sleep, and her baby chubby-cheeks. We’re like “I can’t wait until they grow up and we can do X”, while at the same time wishing they stayed as babies forever (even with the nappies and restless nights).

  2. I had my two girls when my eldest was well into his teens, I thought I would never have more than one! I am one of the lucky ones though, I only ever had that sad feeling of no baby five times after five months of trying for the last one. The other two were surprises. I hope it happens for you soon.

    • Thanks Alicia. By the time mine is well into his teens we’ll be making every effort to NOT get pregnant. I’ll be in my late 40s! 5 months can feel like years when you’re trying, I’m sure.

  3. Aroha, you are brave to write this, I know that it would have been hard.

    I hope all goes well with Nick’s transition to school. It is such a milestone – make sure you take the requisite first day in a uniform photo and try not to cry as you look at it for the rest of their first day at school (I may have done this…)

    Thanks again for linking up lovely!

  4. You CAN punch me in the face but I really DO know kind of what you feel. You know my story, multiple years, multiple misscariages, clock ticking. I would never have chosen to have my babies this old but what choice do we have really? And YES i’m going to keep asking and talking because I know how it hurts your heart and I always want to be open to any conversation you want to have. I totally don’t care if you hate me for it:) I reckon we start a fund, get you to $5000, do 1 IVF, just ONE, then i’ll shut up….maybe. Ok no I won’t.

    • You do have a good idea Ness! Lots of people are going through the same thing or have been through the same thing and know exactly how it feels and I’m grateful to not feel completely alone in this. I just get sick of hearing it come out of my mouth. I just want to enjoy what we do have right now, rather than drone on about what we don’t.

  5. Bet it felt nice to get that off your chest. As for school, can you believe it? I’ve had a few freak outs in the past week, just with all the talk of it amongst the blogging world. I have to get organised in regards to books/labelling – but all I need now is socks and I’m sorted! We must do another early night dinner/play before they start!

    • Doesn’t feel that great. I thought it might, but it doesn’t change anything. I’ve contacted and labeled books, he’s got shoes and socks and uniform, just need lunch box/bag and a new school bag now! Def do another dinner/play before they start!

  6. I am riding the same wave you are on – and it sucks doesn’t it! Z is only three now, But that has been my biggest thing, he would be the most awesome big brother and I would hate for him to not be close to his siblings – if we are ever blessed with one. I have had 4 miscarriages over the last year and 5 other negative POAS months that just reinforce the heartbreak. And everyone around me seems to be pregnant.
    Be kind to yourself.
    Best wishes for Nicks first day at school xxxxxx

    • Yep, everyone around me is pregnant too. 2 sisters, 2 best friends (well, 1 sister, the other had her bub a few weeks ago). I figured it was the universe’s way of saying “nope, no more babies for you, but here’s a lot close by to love.” I’ve wondered what is worse – not being able to fall pregnant or falling pregnant but miscarrying (another friend has had 3 this year), and I guess both are soul-crushing, just in different ways. Be kind to you, too. My youngest sister and I are 6 years apart and are close, so I tend to think age gap doesn’t really matter that much, especially later in life.

  7. There are five years between daughters one and two and then four years between two and three. They are all incredibly close. Age is but a number, even between siblings. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely enjoy this new chapter in you life

    • Thanks Rhi. There are 4 between me and the next sister, and 6 between me and the last sister, and we are all close now that we’re older. I don’t think the gap really matters too much, especially later on.

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