It’s All About Me!

When my dad passed away, I was accused of making everything “all about me”. When one of my closest friends fell pregnant and I got upset (because she was pregnant and I wasn’t), I was again accused of making everything about me. My son is possibly starting school in the new year, and while of course I want to make sure he is ready both emotionally and educationally, I’m just as worried about how ready I am. Today my BFF finds out if she’s having a boy or a girl, and I am still making everything all about me!

I think it’s normal. I think it’s inherent. I think it’s human. The key is in how you express it.

Of course my dad’s death was all about me. For me. I was mourning the relationship I had lost, the relationship my son had lost and would never truly experience. I was grieving for the massive gap that was left in my life. As were we all. It didn’t mean we thought we were grieving more or harder than anyone else, but losing someone makes us automatically takes stock of what we have lost.

As for my friend getting pregnant, of course I was happy for her. THRILLED for her! They were told they’d never have children, yet they’d managed to conceive twice without really trying! My grief was over my inability to conceive. Which yes, makes it all about me. But I didn’t throw a tantrum and cause a scene. I quietly mourned on the inside, thinking about what I was missing out on. Then cried to someone else. It is not my friend’s responsibility to bear the burden of my self-misery.

I’m not ready for my son to go to school. I’m not ready for him to be grown up, have homework, be taken off campus for swimming lessons or excursions. I’m not ready for him to be away from me 5 days a week, even though he’s already in kindy 4 days a week. I’m not ready to admit we’re through the baby/toddler stage of parenting and have a school-aged child in our home. But I need to put all that aside and do what is best for him. His starting school is not about me.

Lastly, I’ve managed to make my friend finding out the sex of her unborn bub today all about me because again, it’s an experience I am not having any time in the near future. It’s another reminder of what I wanted and don’t have. Another reminder that everyone around me is getting what I want. She wants a girl. I just want a baby. But it’s not about me. Why shouldn’t she be allowed to want a girl? She has a boy, she has a close relationship with her mum and her sister, it’s normal to want a girl. And when trying to conceive hasn’t been an issue, that’s one thing you don’t have to think about or worry about.

I don’t say this because I’m proud of my feelings. I’m not trying to justify them. I’m not trying to say it’s ok to feel like this. I don’t write this because I want people to tell me it’s normal. Maybe this is not normal. Not inherent. Not human. Maybe I’m just a spoiled selfish cow. Maybe this is why I’m not getting what I want, because I am too busy being miserable in everyone else happiness that I don’t deserve my own. Maybe it’s not enough to be happy for them, I need to be happy with them. Because really, if you can be happy for others, and happy with what you have, then it is always enough. It is always exactly what you need.

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12 thoughts on “It’s All About Me!

  1. There is nothing I can say that I (or someone else) hasn’t said to you before but I do think you absolutely nailed it with this sentence
    “Because really, if you can be happy for others, and happy with what you have, then it is always enough. It is always exactly what you need.”
    Sometimes it is just harder for your heart to listen to what your head knows to be true.
    With much love and positive energy !
    Me

    • Yes, and that’s all good and fine in theory, it’s putting it in to practice on a consistent basis that I really struggle with!

  2. I think your blog should be happy place where you are free to write down your feelings about anything, whether good or bad. I do agree with what you said about being happy with others, and maybe a bit more content with our blessings. It’s always a good thing to count our blessings 🙂

    Ai @ Sakura Haruka

    • I agree, I should be able to write anything in my blog. I just hate sounding like a selfish bitch lol! Thanks Ai! I have many blessings to count !

  3. I think it’s normal to have a little stamp of your foot sometimes, or a cry, and say life isn’t fair. Because it’s not. And it’s also random. I don’t believe in karma, so I don’t think you are missing out on what you want because of your response to other people’s happiness. But at some point focusing on what you don’t have will result in forgetting to enjoy what you do have. But I’m sure you know that 🙂 xx

    • You’re right. It’s not getting what you want, but rather wanting what you got. And I want what I have with every fiber of my being. Just need to focus on that. Thank you x

  4. It is possible to be happy for someone and simultaneously feel cheated by the hand life has dealt you and ok to throw a bit of a private tantie over it too. The thing is, you clearly don’t let it consume you because once the tantie is over and done with, you dust yourself off and focus on the things you do have and can achieve xx

    • I know, it’s just the whole feeling like a complete douche for having the tanty in the first place that makes me question what kind of person I am. But I like to think I’m completely normal and everyone has these little “what about me” tanties, they just might not admit to it LOL

  5. Many years ago my husbands best friends can to us and said that they were expecting their first. I didn’t really know them all that well, I didn’t even know they were trying. I remember thinking they didn’t seem that excited and it was so unfair that they got a baby and I didn’t. I wanted one but really we weren’t actively trying. Anyway they baby was born at 24 weeks and died two weeks later. Lets just say it changed the way I looked at a few things. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely. I love this post and the fact you needed to get it out

    • Oh Rhi, that’s a terrible story 😦 I keep thinking of all the blogs I read, and the IRL friends I have, who have kids with medical problems, or have suffered tragedies like your friends, and it makes me realise just how very lucky I am and I should appreciate it every second of the day, because who knows when or if tragedy may strike. I am glad I got this post out, it too is a reminder to not be such a selfish cow! 😉

  6. I just had one of these “it’s about me…” moments and my husband quietly just sat down and listed all the beautiful, wonderful things that happened that day. I started crying with joy.
    I think it’s perfectly normal to step aside, have a cry about what you feel what you’re missing out on. It’s totally human.
    But how magical are those moments when you can look back and see how much you already have.

    • Thank you Grace. I suppose we have to experience the “what about me” moments to make us appreciate what we have. I wonder if that constant state of happiness and gratefulness is elusive? Or even realistic at all? Probably not. Ups and downs, ebbs and flows, highs and lows and all that.

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