Things I Know About Infertility

I don’t want to make all my posts about this journey. But this week, well, for the next few months, it’s probably going to be all I can think about. I wake up thinking about it and go to sleep thinking about it. So I thought maybe if I spewed it all out into a blog post, I might be able to stop thinking about it long enough to actually make a baby.

Infertility really sucks. And I’m one of the lucky ones – I already have a gorgeous, happy, healthy child. My heart aches a million times over for women who want a child and can’t have one. If I didn’t already have Nick….I don’t know how I’d be getting through this.

That doesn’t mean it’s ok for people to say to me, “At least you already have one” or “Maybe you should just be happy with what you have?” Believe me I am so happy for what I have, and thankful every damn day that we have him. He is the absolutely light of our lives. But why should that stop me wanting another?

It’s really frustrating not knowing what the problem is. Even with the endometriosis removed, there’s nothing that can say for certain that was the problem. My doctor showed me the endo he removed. It was a tiny spot. So little is really known about how endo can affect women or their fertility. Women with a moderate to severe endo can have zero symptoms. Women with a spot as small as mine can have every symptom. There’s no rhyme or reason, no SENSE to it, which makes it even more frustrating.

It is so hard to see other people fall pregnant at all, let alone see them fall within a couple of months of trying. Or worse still, without trying. It doesn’t mean you’re not happy for them, it just means you have to make a bit more effort to show it. I have actually started to conquer this part. Because I know it has nothing to do with them, it’s my own shortfalls that upset me.

Women who smoke, drink, are overweight, do drugs all seem to be able to fall pregnant. Here I am, the fittest I’ve been since I was a kid, and nadda. W.T.F. I question everything from “Do we drink too much coffee” to “Am I actually ovulating?” (tests would suggest yes, I am, and when I should be). My Dr actually sat down and told me when I would be ovulating at my last appointment. It was all I could do to keep from saying, “Yes, I’ve been trying for 2 years, I’ve got that part figured out, thanks!” Could a woman really be 2 years into TTC and not know when she’s ovulating?

“Just relax” and “Don’t think about it” is terrible, terrible, terrible advice. I can’t tell you enough how awful it is. It is the dumbest thing you can say to someone with infertility problems. If you are reading this, and are guilty of having said it to someone, I forgive you…if you promise to never do it again. “Maybe you don’t want it enough?” is also a really stupid thing to say. Just FYI.

I lay in bed thinking about baby names. I wonder if I want to be pregnant just so I can pick another name! I remember the excitement of finding out Nick was a boy. And running through a million names before settling on his.

We’ve got 3 months. Nothing like putting a deadline on it, because you know, I don’t put enough pressure on myself already. At the end of October we start talking about other options. At which point we have decisions to make and paths to choose. Having to decide to close the door on fertility treatments can not be fun. You start down this path of doctors appointments, exploratory surgeries, forking out money here and there, at what point do you think you’ve done enough? At what point do you “give up”? It’s an awfully big thing to give up on. I thought the last procedure was it, if that didn’t work, we’d accept it and move on. But I am not sure I can just yet.

The last thing I know about infertility is that talking about it and blogging about it doesn’t help. It doesn’t fix anything or change anything. It is probably better to get it all out than to hold on to it, but there have been so many times I wish I’d kept my mouth (and fingers) shut and that no one knew what we were going through. Because it’s no fun to be the one that people are scared to tell when they’re pregnant. It’s no fun to be pitied. My words are coming back to haunt me. Years ago I wanted 5 kids. I finally realised 2, maybe 3 would be better, but when someone asked how many I wanted, I said, “However many I’m blessed with. We don’t really get much choice, we are given what we’re given.” Maybe we’ve already been given ours.

Linking up for Things I Know with Dorothy over at Singular Insantiy


11 thoughts on “Things I Know About Infertility

  1. This is such a heartfelt post. I cannot really imagine what you’re going through – I never experienced secondary infertility, I had difficulty getting pregnant the first time but once my eldest had come along, my body seemed to work it out and the other two happened very easily.

    I think people can be very unfeeling in what they say in these situations. It would never occur to me that “Don’t worry about it” was a helpful thing to contribute. It reminds me of when I was waiting on a diagnosis of some nerve problems that my specialist thought was MS (turned out not to be, mercifully) and people would say, “Just relax, don’t stress, it doesn’t help anything.” Yes, thank you very much, I REALISE that, but it’s not as easy as flicking a switch!

    You have my well wishes and positive thoughts for wherever this journey takes you, and I really hope it’s to another baby.

    • Thanks Kathy. I think people mean well, think they’re being helpful, probably don’t know what to say really, so say the first thing that comes to mind. It’s not their fault, but it’s very hard to hear after a while. Thank you for your kind words. x

  2. (hugs) Oh this resonates with me , infertility rocked our life for 16 yrs before IVF gave us our twins now 6yrs (Our a little girl conceived naturally, after 14yrs, was born still almost 8yrs ago)

    But why should that stop me wanting another …it shouldn’t ever and no-one should ever expect you to be happy, with one child, if you can’t embrace your dreams for growing your family .

    I use to love the Stirrups Queen’s community , they get it. I just got to distracted with Australian bloggers to still hang out there.

    • Thanks Trish! I can’t imagine going through this for 16 years! Wow!! And I’m sorry to hear about your little girl. 😦 I think I’m going to have to check out Stirrups Queen’s community, or something similar, to talk to others who really “get it”

  3. Biggest hugs lovely – i have watched my aunt in pain for many years as she struggled through secondary infertility. I wish i could have taken away her pain and know it was just never really discussed. I know blogging about it does not change anything, but whatever you feel helps you through this is a good thing and i am happy to read, offer hugs and listen …

    • Thanks Debra. My Aunt had problems also…several miscarriages before and after having her son, who is 16 now. Her real miracle baby. Maybe Nick is ours. Thanks for your comment and support.

  4. I don’t think it matters whether you have one or ten, if you want more children, it’s the most difficult journey ever.
    Don’t give up, have faith and remember to breathe. xxx

  5. My heart goes out to you. We have all boys, and everyone says to us “So when are you going to try for a girl” or “you poor thing, no girls”. Its not the same as not being able to get pregnant but it still hurts and cuts deeply. Why cant people be nice and say “oh you are so lucky to have healthy children”?
    I have heard many stories of families getting pregnant when they least expect it, so I am praying that happens to you guys.
    Actually it did happen to my brother ~ they have a 15 year old son, and went through two IVF cycles, then was told that nothing would work out. So they purchased a house, and last year they got pregnant with another son. SO please know there is hope ~ he is now 6 months of age and is doing so well xxx

  6. While my journey is different I understand some of the feelings u r experiencing. I have a beautiful daughter. I found out I was pregnant just after my ex and I had separated; we decided to stay that way despite the news of a poppet coming into the world. I thought I wld meet someone else and have another child, which I wanted so much. I did meet someone but I had to wait three years for his divorce to settle. After four years we moved in together and he told me only then that he didn’t want more kds (he had two already). We split about 7months later based on a lot of stuff. I’m now too old to wait to meet another man and have children. I guess I played Russian roulette with my fertility, given I chose to be with someone who wasnt really available had a lot of stuff to deal with and then to find out the angst he travelled with was him in general rather than his circumstances. It hurts so much sometimes but I just focus on enjoying my daughter and talk to her about how much I am going to enjoy her kids. I hope everything works out for you xx

  7. Thank you for sharing your story. I agree that it’s better out than in, even if you start to feel that you are repeating yourself. It is heart-breaking when others seem to fall pregnant to easily and quickly. It took me six months to get pregnant with my first son and I thought THAT was tough…

    So I won’t give you any platitudes. But I will tell you about a friend of mine, who had/has severe endo and other stuff going on, who eventually had a baby through IVF and then got pregnant with her second one naturally while on holidays and not even thinking about having any more babies at that time.

    Big hugs…. I hope it happens soon 🙂

  8. I can’t pretend to know how that feels but I do send my very best wishes and positive thoughts to you as it’s definitely not easy. A friend of mine is currently going through the same thing (albeit trying for her first) and I pray with all that is in me that things will work out for her and that she will succeed despite the odds that are against her (lots of health issues) and I hope for the same thing for you. I am so thankful that I’ve been blessed with my daughter and I hope one day I’ll be blessed with another child but as you say, “we don’t get much choice, we are given what we are given” and struggles like yours and my friends remind me how thankful I should be every day for what I have been given, so thank you.

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