Sometimes there’s a really difficult balance, or fine line, between being positive and being realistic. To be positive, to have hope, to think good thoughts takes an awful lot of effort, when you also want to try and prepare yourself for the worst, for the disappointment. There’s a lot of wisdom and sense in “expect for the worst but hope for the best.”
I find myself in a delicate predicament. I believe what you put out is what you get back. Positivity breeds positivity kind of stuff. I believe in hope – even if there’s only 2% chance, there’s still a chance. Anything can happen, the universe will provide, what is meant to be will be.
That’s all good and well. As long as what you want to be, actually happens.
Between December and March I’ll have 3 new babies in my life. Two in my immediate family. My initial thought was that I must be getting pregnant soon, because what kind of cruel world would put that many babies in my face without also giving me one? Then today I thought, what if it’s the universe’s way of saying, “You’re NOT getting a baby, but we can give you the next best thing, three babies for you to love on like they’re your own!”
What if I’m just over-thinking everything, as usual? Because it wouldn’t be the first time I’d done that!
I don’t want to give up hope. I want to stay positive. But I don’t want to lull myself into thinking that it will happen, and then it doesn’t, and I’m shattered. The doctor gave us 3 months to get pregnant, before discussing the next step. It’s easy for me to think it won’t happen – because it hasn’t. I want to believe it will but I feel like I’m fooling myself. I suddenly wish no one knew what we were going through, so I wouldn’t get the comments – just don’t think about it, it will happen, it’s your turn, just relax, how is it going, are you doing this, that, some other…the list goes on.
On the plus side, it is getting much easier to hear about others who are pregnant. And I have felt genuine happiness at the news I’m going to be an aunty! That is so exciting and a great distraction should I not get pregnant. I think, finally, I am in a place where I am so grateful for what I do have, and that is such a nice place to be in. It means anything on top of that is the proverbial icing on the cake.
It’s how to get through the waiting, hoping, trying, thinking that I’m stuck on. I don’t want my thoughts consumed with this, it only makes it harder. But I also feel like I should be working my way to being 100% honestly and truly content, should Mission Baby fail. On the other hand I feel like working towards that means I’ve given up on the mission being successful. I think it might be time to breathe, focus on what I have and what I know. Family, work, training, breathing. What else can I do?