I might be a control freak. I don’t know if I have always been this way, or if it’s a recent development. But it turns out I don’t like putting my life in other people’s hands. Especially strangers. That probably doesn’t seem all that unreasonable, at least, it shouldn’t. But the strangers I’m talking about are professionals. People like doctors and pilots.
I put my life in my own hands every day when I get behind the wheel of a car. And boy don’t people love to remind you how dangerous driving is when you start to have a freak out about something. “I hate flying.” “Ohhh you’re safer up there than in your car!” they say. For the record, I’m not a great passenger in a car either, it is not solely limited to planes. Just ask my husband.
I have my procedure tomorrow. And there is nothing LESS natural to me than lying on a bed, waiting for someone you’ve literally just met, to put chemicals in your body to make you unconscious so that someone else who you probably know, but not well, can cut you open, poke around inside you, and do what they think is best.
It’s a massive, massive amount of trust. One that I just can’t even muster up. So today I am full of anxiety, no matter who or how many people tell me I’ll be fine. Yes, most likely I will be. But there is always an element of risk, whether you are flying, having surgery, driving your car, or even walking the damn dog. It doesn’t make the days/hours that lead up to these things (for me, flying or surgery), any easier.
The good things about tomorrow are:
– I’m first on the table. Admission time is 5:30 am. They might not need the anesthetic, I’ll still be sound asleep.
– Even if I don’t get in theater until 7 am, I should still be done by 9 am and hopefully awake by 9:30-10:00am.
– My Dr is really calming. I do trust him. What he’s doing to me doesn’t worry me nearly as much as what the anesthetist does!
– We might finally get some answers. Either way, we’ll be able to move forward and this will be behind us.
– I get 2 days off work, and hubby is having Wednesday off. Hopefully I’ll be up and about and feeling well and we can both take Nick to his swimming lesson in the afternoon.
I think my anxiety problems stem from watching too much TV. The junkie in me thinks that there’s a drama of Greys-Anatomy-proportions during every surgery. Surely there’s not! Ultimately, what I’m scared of and what I don’t want is to die. That’s what it all comes down to. I love my life. I have so much to be thankful for, so much to do, to enjoy. And I don’t want someone else to fuck that up for me. I don’t want something to go wrong because I am being selfish or greedy for wanting another baby, or because all of this has been in my head and there’s nothing wrong after all. And I wonder why I am putting myself through this and putting my wants and needs ahead of Nick’s. There’s so much crap circling around in my head it’s ridiculous. And I feel genuinely sorry for people who are legitimately sick and have to face this kind of thing often. It can’t be easy to get used to.
I think my imagination can run away sometimes, or maybe I’m just an anxiety-filled control freak. Either way, I can’t wait for this time tomorrow, when I’ll hopefully be resting nice and comfortably in my own room, being fed lunch! Now THAT they can have the control over.