I like to think I have always been a “whatever is meant to be will be” type of person. But whether it is because of God’s plan, or because of the way the stars and universe align, I can’t really say. One day I believe one thing, the next I believe another. I may not know exactly what I believe, but I do know that I believe something. I know I believe something greater than us has a plan, and we have to let it happen. I know that things always work out, one way or another. I know that no matter how much you want something, you may not get it, and vice versa. I know there are scientific explanations for many things. I know there are spiritual explanations, “miracles” and “meant to be’s” if you will, for many things.
So when it comes to making and having babies. I am totally stumped. I know that making babies is a science. It’s simple biology. I know that certain things have to all be happening at the same time for a baby to be made. Sometimes all those things can be happening, but babies still aren’t made. So is it a scientific failure? A spiritual failure? A combination of both?
If we are meant to have another baby we will. Right? But what lengths are we meant to go to in order for that to happen? Maybe we’re not supposed to have another one? Maybe I put too much pressure on it? Maybe thinking about it all the time is making it not happen? I know this post makes it sound like it’s all I think about. It’s not all I think about. But I have had a lot of time, years actually, to think about it, and this is a culmination of all those years of thoughts. From the time you have your first baby people want to know when you’ll have your second. For over 3.5 years people have been wondering when we’ll have a second. I’ve been wondering the same thing.
Babies are born in to awful situations all the time. Into poverty, disease, famine, born out of rape. Why do women who don’t want or can’t look after babies have them? Why are there people who do want them, can look after them, would be amazing parents, but fertility eludes them? Are these scientific failures, spiritual failures or combination of both?
I know people, several people, who were told they would never have a baby, yet they have them, some cases have more than one! I know people who have been tested and “should be fine” but nothing is happening. Scientific, spiritual or both?
Am I over-analysing this? Probably. It’s just that I don’t like not having answers. I don’t like feeling neurotic, which I know is exactly how I am sounding, because I can’t make heads or tails of a situation. I don’t like the term “unexplained infertility.” I would almost rather have a known issue so we have a reason. If there was a reason, maybe I could accept that this is what our family is meant to be.
I feel like Nick has been physically with us for over 4 years (inc. pregnancy) but spiritually with me my entire life. And I can’t explain it, but I feel like there is another soul out there I’m connected to. As long as I feel that connection, it is really hard for me to accept we are meant to be a family of 3.
I’m going to stop temping. Stop charting. Stop praying for a baby, and start praying for peace. Peace of mind that things are as they should be, and we will do what we think is right, when we think is right.