I try so hard not to ask this question. About anything. It is selfish. When I hear other people ask it I want to say, “What ABOUT you!?” Why do we think we are so special or that we deserve anything, let alone what we want?
There are miracles and blessings everywhere. Of the baby kind. Pregnant women are everywhere. Newborns are everywhere. Everywhere but here. Mostly I am ok with it. Today, my heart just hurts.
People who shouldn’t be able to get pregnant or have babies are getting pregnant and having babies. It’s like the doctors know nothing. Which is no comfort, because our doctor thinks we are “good”. Our numbers are “good”. We should be “fine”.
People who don’t want babies are getting them. In what universe is that fair?
And I love the advice I get. “Just stop thinking about it.” “Stressing over it doesn’t help.” Only people who have never actually had to think about it this much, record things this much, pay this much attention to every little temperature change, every little discharge, every little ache or pain in the uterine/ovarian region, would say, “Just stop thinking about it.” They don’t get it.
Because if they did get it, they’d know that you can’t stop thinking about it. Every day it crosses your mind, at least once. Often more. It doesn’t mean I’m stressed about it. But I think about it, and wonder, “What about me?” “What did I do to end up in this position?” “Why won’t my body do what it’s supposed to?”
Then there are those who say, “At least you have one.” As if I’m the most selfish and ungrateful person in the world for wanting another one and being upset that it’s not happening.
I love my son so much, love being a mother so much, I just want to share it with another child. People wonder, when they are pregnant with a second or third child, how they can possibly have enough love for all their kids. I feel like if I don’t have another, I will explode, or the love for Nick that I have will smother him and be too much for him. It’s in his own (and his future partner’s) best interest for me to have another baby!
I used to think IVF was out of the question for us, financially, emotionally, physically. But now I’m not sure the strain it would put on us would be any worse than the strain of not having another child.
I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I know that I have the most amazing kid in the world. I know I am extremely lucky. I just want to share all that with another child. I can’t believe that is too much to ask. It can’t be. Do you hear me, universe? It WILL happen!