What About Me?

I try so hard not to ask this question. About anything. It is selfish. When I hear other people ask it I want to say, “What ABOUT you!?” Why do we think we are so special or that we deserve anything, let alone what we want?

There are miracles and blessings everywhere. Of the baby kind. Pregnant women are everywhere. Newborns are everywhere. Everywhere but here. Mostly I am ok with it. Today, my heart just hurts.

People who shouldn’t be able to get pregnant or have babies are getting pregnant and having babies. It’s like the doctors know nothing. Which is no comfort, because our doctor thinks we are “good”. Our numbers are “good”. We should be “fine”.

People who don’t want babies are getting them. In what universe is that fair?

And I love the advice I get. “Just stop thinking about it.” “Stressing over it doesn’t help.” Only people who have never actually had to think about it this much, record things this much, pay this much attention to every little temperature change, every little discharge, every little ache or pain in the uterine/ovarian region, would say, “Just stop thinking about it.” They don’t get it.

Because if they did get it, they’d know that you can’t stop thinking about it. Every day it crosses your mind, at least once. Often more. It doesn’t mean I’m stressed about it. But I think about it, and wonder, “What about me?” “What did I do to end up in this position?” “Why won’t my body do what it’s supposed to?”

Then there are those who say, “At least you have one.” As if I’m the most selfish and ungrateful person in the world for wanting another one and being upset that it’s not happening.

I love my son so much, love being a mother so much, I just want to share it with another child. People wonder, when they are pregnant with a second or third child, how they can possibly have enough love for all their kids. I feel like if I don’t have another, I will explode, or the love for Nick that I have will smother him and be too much for him. It’s in his own (and his future partner’s) best interest for me to have another baby!

I used to think IVF was out of the question for us, financially, emotionally, physically. But now I’m not sure the strain it would put on us would be any worse than the strain of not having another child.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I know that I have the most amazing kid in the world. I know I am extremely lucky. I just want to share all that with another child. I can’t believe that is too much to ask. It can’t be. Do you hear me, universe? It WILL happen!

 

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10 thoughts on “What About Me?

  1. its not too much to ask at all.. you didn’t do anything wrong, or ask to be in this position. And screw all the trite advice really, although well meant, you are right it doesn’t help, or make it better, or any different. Just know that you are not alone, you are loved, and you are supported – and you aren’t given dreams for them to curl up and never be seen in reality xx

    • It is well meant, I know. And I take it on the chin…until I’m alone, when it tears at me. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

  2. I know how you feel, except i don’t have any children yet. We get the stop thinking and stressing about it all the time but its very hard when everyone around you have children and thats all you long for. My partner and i have been trying for 4 years, after many tests and 2 operations for me, we are finally going to go through the ivf cycle which starts in 5 weeks. πŸ™‚

  3. I do understand what you are saying about the pain and disappointment. I’ve been there. I used to look at other mothers and long for that to be me. I used to look at mums with prams (I wrote a post about that) and wish I was one. We tried for about 4 years till we finally fell pregnant through IVF and were blessed with our first child. If you ever want to ask about my experience with IVF, I’d be more than happy to share. Hang in there.

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