Yesterday might have confirmed that I am a pretty rotten friend. N and I went to a birthday party for one of* my BFF’s sons. The husband is way too sick to be at a party that has so many babies and kids at it. It had already been a long day. I was woken at 3 by sick husband and couldn’t get back to sleep. Then at 4 N came in and he wouldn’t go back to sleep, so up we got and watched the Yankees play the Red Sox.
By the time I got home from work and had to drive an hour to this party, all I wanted to do was nap. I didn’t even get to talk to my friend for 5 minutes. It is really hard to be a single
parent at a child’s birthday party. N wanted to jump on the trampoline and wanted me to stand right there while he did it. I was wishing we hadn’t gone.
Then it was cake time. BFF’s husband made a lovely speech, thanking E for all her hard work putting the party together (she always does an amazing job!). Then he went on say that 3 years ago they never thought they’d be celebrating a 2 year old birthday (they were told they’d never have kids without IVF) and that they were excited to announce that they’d be celebrating another birth day sometime next March…E is 13 weeks pregnant.
Everyone clapped, E blushed, J beamed. I choked back tears. Not tears of happiness, tears of misery. I waited an appropriate time before gathering N and our stuff, gave E a quick hug and “Congratulations” and we hit the road home. It was a long drive, so I had a good amount of time to work through why I was feeling the way I was.
I came up with a few things, all of which seem so petty and stupid, but I can’t help it. We thought we’d have another baby by now, and we don’t. So when friends who had their first after I had N are all on their second round, it is a painful reminder of what we don’t have. This is stupid because we have SO. MUCH. And I hate to sound ungrateful for that, which is exactly how I sound.
E knew we were having trouble getting pregnant. We’d talked about the whole trying to conceive things on several occasions. When the announcement came yesterday I felt hurt. Hurt that she hadn’t told me sooner, both because I thought we were better friends than that, and because I felt I deserved a heads up before news like that was blurted out, given what the last 18 months has been like for us.
After talking to a friend and getting some sleep last night, I do realise that E owes me nothing and had no obligation to think or worry about how her news might affect me. I am so selfish! And I had thoughts of announcing our news in a similar fashion when I thought we’d get PG and be 11-12 weeks around our son’s birthday party. It’s not that I wanted to exclude anyone from my news, I just wanted to be able to tell everyone together, at the same time, face to face and celebrate. Instead of being excited for her I was incredibly self-absorbed and once again made it all about me. The friend I called said I need to stop taking things so personally. She’s right.
I was also upset because I am envious of her. And I mean that in a complimentary way, not an “I’m a psycho, jealous, spiteful, bitch” way. I absolutely love E. We have been friends for close to 20 years, and she deserves every happiness. She and J have worked so hard for everything they have, and I am really so happy and excited for them. The way I feel is absolutely no reflection on her or anything she has said or done. It is all about my own insecurities, my own challenges, my own crosses I have to bare. My insecurities about my future…OUR future. I keep saying I don’t want another child and there are so many benefits to having just one. But I am only trying to convince myself.
The fact that my husband has been immobile for 4+ days now is not helping. Again, SELFISH. I can’t do everything on my own and have a new found respect for single parents. We really do take good health for granted when we have it.
There’s other stuff going on, too. Like work schedules. I’m only casual, and we are open 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. I understand we need to be flexible. But that flexibility can only go so far when you have a child. My child-less supervisor doesn’t understand, and keeps rostering me on days that N is not in kindy. I’m sick of having the same conversation every week.
Right, I think thats enough whinging for one blog post. What was I saying about my developing ability to let things roll off my back? I’ve just taken at least 3 huge steps back in that department!
* one of, because I have about 5 girls who are my go-to girls when I am happy, sad, lonely or just need a good coffee and chat. And yes, you can have more than 1 BFF.