A Letter For Dad

Dear Dad,

It’s already been 5 months since That Awful Day. The day which saw my baby sister knock on my door at 2 am to tell me you’d passed away. The day we drove to the hospital, in silence, to…to see you. To say goodbye. The day a piece of my world broke off and drifted away. The day my gorgeous little boy lost his only granddad.

In 5 months, he hasn’t once mentioned you, asked where you are, talked about you. Though he has talked about golf a lot, and I know that if you are somewhere, watching over us, that makes you happy. In 5 months, he has never once said, “Grandad.”

Until this past weekend.

I suppose I thought kids his age didn’t have much of a memory. What a stupid thing to think. Look at how well they learn things and how quickly? Of course they remember things. It may be possible they remember everything. He used to love going to spend time with you, playing in your golf cart, going for rides. I know you let him pretend he was driving, even though he wasn’t.

The old man in the golf cart who is the caretaker in our new apartment complex obviously reminded Nick of you, and triggered those memories he has stored somewhere deep in there. I wasn’t here to hear it, but Mike said he saw this man, and said, “Grandad?” and “Nick, drive?” Nick wanted to drive grandad’s golf cart.

Later that day, as we were driving past the street to your place, he looked towards your house and again said, “Grandad?” What could I do? I told him, “Grandad’s not here anymore buddy.” What does that mean to a 2.5 year old? No matter how he took it, he knew it wasn’t a good thing, and got an awfully sad look on his face. I think I actually felt my heart breaking.

That night, after I read Nick his bedtime books, and tucked him in to bed, he said, “Night, nanna. Night, nan. Night grandad.” He asked me if nanna was at home. I said yes, she was, but that grandad wasn’t at home. I told him you were up in heaven, watching over us and missing his little guy very much. God I have never hoped and wished more in my life, that there is a heaven, and we all get to go there. I told him I miss you very much too. He gave me a huge hug, like he knew exactly what I meant.

You were right. He is a great kid and I am very lucky.  I know we weren’t always the perfect kids, and I know you think you were a bad father. I hope you know I forgive you for everything and loved being closer to you and getting to work with you before you passed away. I love that you doted on your grandson. You spoiled him, and you both loved it. I know 5 months isn’t a very long time, but it does seem to be going so quickly. That day, and the weeks following are still so clear in my mind. Like it was just last month.

I know life was never meant to be fair. And this, to me, is SO.UNFAIR. You and Nick should have had so much more time together. WE should have had more time together.

I miss you. I wish you were still here. I wish I could turn back the clock and do things differently. It still amazes me that no matter how much you desperately want to have time to do over, you can’t. Not when its too late. And its too late. But know that we love you. And we – me, my sisters, your little guy – miss you terribly, and hope you’re resting peacefully.

All my love,
Your #1 Daughter.

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