A Long Overdue Letter To Nicklas

November 29, 2010

Dear Nicklas,

It has been a couple of months since my last letter. And it feels like in that time, the sky has fallen. Our family seems to be taking one hit after another, and I’m not entirely sure how to keep going on. I just know that I have to, for your sake.

There are health problems all around us, and I may even be facing surgery myself in the weeks to come. It is nothing major, and something that is probably done on a daily basis, but the thought of having to go under general anesthetic worries me to no end.

My worst nightmare, my greatest fear, is not living long enough to see you grow up, of not living long enough for you to remember who I was. I know these fears are mostly irrational, but with death all around us, it is a constant reminder of how short life is, and how precious every day we have with each other is.

You are such an amazing little boy, but I worry that my crankiness and frustration will be all you will remember as you grow older. I don’t like to lose my temper, and I hate that I can be so impatient at times. Sometimes it is like I snap in less than 3 seconds, and that is not fair to you.

I never knew I could love another person so much. There really is no love like a mother’s love. And I want you to know that no matter how cranky I get, how much I yell, I always immediately regret it, and I always, ALWAYS love you.

All my love,
mum

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