Dad always told me that hate was a waste of emotions. I know it is true. All the time and emotional effort wasted on being angry, and hating something or someone, could be spent on being happy. Its much healthier, and so much nicer.
But I can’t help it. I am SO angry. I’m angry that dad is gone, while others are still here. I’m angry that other people got to spend more time with him than we did. I’m angry that I don’t get to hug him or talk to him ever again. Not in this life, anyway. I’m angry that my son doesn’t get to spend any more time with him, and doesn’t get to play golf with him. I’m angry. So.Fucking.Angry.
The weather since dad passed has been miserable. Grey. Rain. So much rain. Its so fitting for my mood, but I think it is fuelling my mood, not helping it at all. I think dad is angry too – if he doesn’t get to play any more golf down here, then neither does anyone else! Not implying that he is God or anything. Maybe God is crying with us.
My mum comes home from her trip to Italy Tuesday morning. It can’t come fast enough. I just hope and pray that it is safe travels and that she gets in on time, in one piece. I can’t wait for her to be home. I’m never letting her leave for a 6 week trip ever again.