Christmas Eve!

Twas the day before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even…well actually, we do have a mouse and he’s been doing a lot of stirring lately! My husband came face-to-face with him in the top of our pantry a week or so ago. We have since cleaned off the top shelf (he was eating the flour!) and put a humane mouse trap in, but last night I heard him in the ROOF! Not sure how we are going to get him, and I’m actually hoping that since we are in a townhouse, he can get over into the neighbour’s roof and become their problem! Ha!

Anyway, it is Christmas Eve and hubby is at work, Nicklas is at daycare, and I have a couple more hours before I have to be at work. So I thought I would sit down and write an entry on this blog since it once again, has been so very long.
But don’t take it personal, I looked to see when the last time I wrote my son a letter was and it was back in March! Do you know how much stuff has happened since March? Well, for one, we took a huge trip overseas so he could meet his American family. And then we came home and celebrated his first birthday! So it was time I caught up on that, too.
I recently went to the doctors to have a few moles checked out. I also mentioned my exhaustion, laziness and “baby brain” symptoms that I’ve been having since…oh I don’t know, since Nick was BORN. To cut a somewhat long story short, the doctor diagnosed me with Post Partum Depression and thinks I’ve probably had it since Nick was born but it was never diagnosed. The sad thing is, I went to a doctor when he was a few months old and said I wasn’t coping, and she told me to get someone to watch him once a week so I could have a break. And that was that.

In some ways I think that the way I feel must be the way MOST parents of toddlers feel. But according to the doctor it shouldn’t last this long. But on the other hand, I think I had suspected I had PPD for a while, but kept putting it down to other things – my hectic schedule, not sleeping well, etc.

The thing is, when you say Post Partum Depression, I think people automatically think of women who do really crazy things, like, I dont know, drown their kids? I’ve never had those sorts of thoughts/feelings etc. The biggest symptoms I have are exhaustion and mushy brain. It is an effort to do ANYTHING and I say really stupid things. Like, “I’m going to eat my couch on the dinner” instead of, “I’m going to eat my dinner on the couch.”  Sure, everyone does this once in a while, but you should ask my husband how many times I’ve done it in the last couple of months. And I don’t even realise it!

Some people have suggested I go to counselling. And look, its not that I am against counselling. In fact, I am very much for it and would recommend anyone go who has issues they can’t resolve. The thing is, this isn’t about any underlying issue that is getting me down.

I think the tell-tale sign for the doctor was when he asked how long I’d been feeling like this and I said, “I don’t remember the last time I didn’t feel like this.” I just want to have energy again and be a bit more even-keeled on a more regular basis. One thing I’m figuring out is that depression isn’t necessarily an emotional problem, its a very physical problem, too.

So this morning I started on the anti-depressant that I was prescribed. Its a “new generation” drug according to the doctor, one that is very safe and effective. I know there is a stigma attached to depression and anti-depressants. It makes me wonder how many other people out there suffer from it but have never been diagnosed? The hardest part of the diagnosis for me to accept is that there is no “test” that can be done to say “yes, that is it” or “no, that’s not it”. The doctor ran full blood work and that all came back excellent. Which I guess is good news. I’m really healthy, just really depressed! Great.

I know that by sharing my diagnosis I am inviting all kinds of mixed reactions, opinions, and advice from anyone and everyone who will want to tell me what I SHOULD do, or what I HAVE to do.  I’ll try to take people’s comments and opinions with a grain of salt, but ultimately, unless you’ve been through this yourself, your opinion will mean very little to me. Just know that I have made my decision, and I’ll let you know in a couple of weeks how I am feeling.

By the way, I’ve just noticed that I did a 2007 and 2008 review. I guess that means that sometime in the next week I have to come back and do a 2009 review!


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