I may not technically be “midlife” yet, but I think its definitely a crisis. While I’m not going out dating men half my age or buying ferraris, I have a bit of a “Where has my life gone?” type of feeling. I had coffee with a friend of mine yesterday whose dr told her that most if not all women go through some kind of MLC once they are married, have kids and are in their 30s.
The most overwhelming feeling I have is “Is this it? This is my life?” When we’re little we have these huge, unlimited dreams of what we can be, what we will have, what we will do. And in your 20s you still think those things are attainable. I wasn’t at all worried about turning 30. But now that I’m “in my 30s” I can’t help but wonder, is this as good as its going to get?
I love being a mum, and I do understand and believe that it is one of, if not the most important job a woman could ever have. If its a job they choose to have at all. But is there something wrong with wanting to be more than “just a mum”? Why can’t we have kids and a career and a happy household? Does a career have to be defined as a job you do 5 days a week, 10 hours a day? At this point I’d settle for a job, anything to help contribute financially to this family. A career can come later when the kids are a bit older. But the feeling of helplessness and the thought of having to compete for jobs with 20-somethings who don’t have kids…it seems impossible. It seems like its too late to have everything I ever wanted.
The thought of having another child, and going through all this again is a bit daunting. I think I want another child, and want Nicklas to have a brother or a sister, but the thought of going through pregnancy and labour again…its something I could do without. Nicklas has just started sleeping through the night, and he’s getting into a routine. He’s at a really fun age. Having another baby puts us back at square one.
Well I’d love to sit here and dwell on all this a bit longer (like it will help) but there’s cleaning to be done and text books to be read. Definitely not what I thought would be on my “to-do” list at the age of almost-31.