Fears of Parenthood

I want to preface what I’m about to say, by first saying I love my son more than anything in the whole world, and cannot imagine my life without him. I wouldn’t trade him for the world, nor would I change our timing in having him.

Now. Friends of mine are thinking they will start trying to get pregnant towards the end of this year. While Nicklas has brought us more joy, more happiness than we ever could imagine would have come from having a child, with it has come a butt-load of FEAR. Obviously the good COMPLETELY outweighs the bad, but that fear can be emotionally taxing.

For example, yesterday I went to play tennis, and as there were only 4 of us and no one to sit off and watch Nick, my grandmother came with us. She took him for a walk in his stroller, down to the lake. They were gone for much longer than I thought they would be, so I started to panic. When one of the people I was playing with went to see if he could see them, he came back shrugging his shoulders, he hadn’t seen them. So I really went in to panic mode then. Long story short, they had gone for a walk up past the lake and up towards a nearby school, thus being out of sight.

The feeling in my chest, and in the pit of my stomach was just awful. Obviously this fear can be eliminated by not having children. If you don’t have them, you don’t know the joy you are missing out on. You don’t know the little face and the little personality you’re missing out on. And from what I can gather, that fear never really goes away. So is it better to not have kids?

Whenever my husband and I go somewhere without Nicklas, or if Mike and Nicklas go somewhere without me, there is always that niggling thought in the back of my mind, “What if I don’t see him/them again.” How sad is that? Yes, obviously I have watched way too much news and Law and Order. But these are the things that go through my mind. And they can be paralyzing thoughts.

I know in my mind that I need to block those thoughts out. You can’t live your life in fear, it just prevents you from enjoying every single moment we do have together. Hopefully there are many, many, many years of moments to enjoy.

I don’t honestly believe its better to not have kids, by the way. Its just a thought that came into my head yesterday when I was so worried.

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