Reflections

I turned 30 last year. THIRTY. It has never bothered me, as it is just a number. But I have been thinking about different phases of my life, different things I’ve done, choices I’ve made, mistakes I’ve made. It is easy to say you have no regrets, because all your experiences have made you who you are today. But I wonder if it is a cliche impossible of actually attaining. I have regrets. I have things I would do differently if I could go back. I don’t really want to start listing them, but they are in the back of my mind.

The real problem with starting to wonder “What if I’d…” is that it makes you sound like you wish you had ended up somewhere else. I can say, “I wish I’d never gone to the States” or “I wish I’d never moved to Atlanta” or “I wish I’d said yes to this possibility or no to that possibility” but ultimately, if I had, I most likely wouldn’t be here today. I wouldn’t have my husband, I wouldn’t have my son, I wouldn’t live in this house. I would probably have a different husband, a different son, or a daughter, or 4 daughters. I might live in a huge house, or I might be barely making rent on a run-down studio apartment.

If we can’t un-do what we’ve done…if we can’t change what has already been written into our history…why is it so hard to forget about it? Why do we have these regrets? Why do we wish so much for things to be different?

I know some people don’t believe in “everything happens for a reason”. But I belive it with 110% of my heart. Bon Jovi has a song that I absolutely love. Here are some lyrics:

Welcome to wherever you are,
This is your life, you’ve made it this far
Welcome, you’ve got to believe
That right here right now, you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be

I couldn’t say it any better than that.

Having said all that. The regrets that bother me the most are little things…things that would have no affect on who I married, where I live, etc. Things like buying a car I shouldn’t have bought. Or more to the point, selling a car I shouldn’t have sold. Not investing money on a regular basis. Expenses I would have been better off without. Decisions that may or may not have affected friendships. Being reactive and impulsive, and not cooling off before flying off the handle.

I guess the bottom line is that I would like to focus on my ability to see the bigger picture when facing a situation. I want to work on thinking rationally and really listening to what my head/heart both say before just making a decision. If only we had the ability when we were younger to stop and think, “How could this affect me tomorrow, next week, next year, 10 years from now” before we acted. But maybe I give humans too much credit. No one can possibly be that forseeing….can they?

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One thought on “Reflections

  1. Thank you for this reflection. I need to be more forward thinking… I mean I need to think ahead, and reflect on how this decision or that will affect the future.

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