There are times when Nicklas wakes up in the morning and I go back to sleep while I’m feeding him. Then there are the times where he seems to feed for ages, and I am awake the whole time. These are the times that it is almost impossible for me to go back to sleep. I lay there, while he and Mike are sound asleep, and I try not to toss and turn because I don’t want to wake Nicklas up. Sometimes I put him back in his cot, but since he’s been sick, I’ve just kept him in with us. The things that go through my mind are amazing and ridiculous at the same time.
Usually I have a song stuck in my head, and it won’t be the whole song, it will just be 2 or 3 lines of it. Then I start thinking about what is on the agenda for the next day. Like today, I have to call and make an appointment to have a couple of moles looked at. Last night, at 4:30 am, I convinced myself I am going to die way too young from skin cancer. After that, it really was impossible to go back to sleep.
Why is it that when struggling to fall asleep, my thoughts are as dark as the room I’m lying in? They’re never happy thoughts about my gorgeous baby boy, or how lucky I am, or flowers or anything. Its always about death, or bad, unpleasant things.
The last few nights it seems he gets up at 3, I don’t get back to sleep until 4:30, Mike’s alarm goes off at 5:30…I’m lucky that he takes Nicklas with him and puts him in his chair or his walker while he showers, has breakfast and makes his lunch, then just brings him back to me when its time to feed him. So I get an extra hour or so of sleep.
Of course, Nicklas is back asleep now, after his feed, and here I am, wide awake again.