One of our main reasons for moving to Australia was to be near my family for when we had children, and so that I could stay home with those children. The way mechanics are paid in the US, there’s no way we could have had this arrangement had we stayed in Atlanta. We’re now 3 months into the whole “Stay At Home Mum” (SAHM) thing, and I thought things were getting better or easier, but this morning I’ve completely lost it.
My hair is falling out. I hate my wardrobe, which is made up of mostly maternity clothes still because I haven’t lost anywhere NEAR enough weight to fit any of my pre-pregnancy clothes. I am completely disgusted with myself for my lack of exercise. But most of the time I am so lethargic, which would be fixed by exercising more, but how do you exercise when all you want to do is sleep? Its a catch 22.
I feel like I’m “stuck” with the baby all week, and then even when Mike comes home from work at night, or is home on the weekends, I still feel like I get “stuck” with the baby, because he has been so fussy lately, and it seems like I’m the only one who can calm him down. I don’t want to feel like that, it is an awful feeling. I love Nicklas more than I ever thought I could love another person. And I love being with him, but sometimes it just all gets so overwhelming. He has been real colicky lately, and we spoke to a pharmacist yesterday about it who recommended some colic relief to try. I really hope it works.
I was just reading the wikipedia entry on Post Partum Depression. I would say I have about 8 out of the 17 listed symptoms. The thing is that these feelings are fairly sporadic, and honestly, mostly directed at my poor husband. I think part of it is that he gets to go to work every day and gets a break from everything here. And I think on some level I am resentful of that, even though I know this is the life I chose. Of course that leads to guilt, and I feel it on a number of different levels. Guilt that I’m not always happy to be home with my son, that I’m always so cranky and depressed around my husband, that I can’t communicate why I feel this way or what will fix it. I think I am in a “the grass is always greener” rut. Mike said if I wanted to go back to work he’d stay home, but I’m sure that would make me feel even more guilty. And it wouldn’t be long before I’d be complaining about having to work!
I thought I could be this stay at home super-mum. And I don’t feel like a super-mum at all. I feel like a fat, lazy, cranky mum.