What is it about life changes that makes you start questioning everything? This is going to get a little morbid, so forgive me, but I have to get some of this out, to try and make sense of it or to get through it.
Lately I keep thinking about dying. Mostly about how I don’t WANT to die, I’m too young to die, and I don’t want to die before I get a chance to experience being a mom. I realize that it isn’t really being dead that I’m scared of, so much as it is being in a situation where I know I’m going to die and can’t do anything about it. I think that is why flying scares me so much. Plane crash, car crash, fire, drowning, falling…just typing those words out sends chills down my spine. I told you this would get morbid.
WHY can I not get these thoughts out of my head? The only thing I can conclude is that moving back to Australia is that big of a life change that my imagination is running rampant. My fear of change is creeping in to my thoughts and bringing all my fears to the forefront of my mind.
There is a dream that I have had (or had a variation of) three times in my life. In each dream, someone is pointing a gun at my head, but I wake up before they shoot. The first time was during my parents first separation. In the dream I was in a closet in our house, and a man came in, opened the door and pointed a gun at my head. The scariest part of the dream was that everything in it was my actual house. You know how most of the time when you dream you’re at home, it’s something that represents your home but doesn’t LOOK like your home? The other 2 dreams were similar in that each time, my surroundings were so REAL that I woke up scared out of my mind and heart racing. At least with those dreams I wake up and after a couple of days the fear goes away. These thoughts/fears will not go away.
I wasn’t this scared about moving over here 11 years ago, so why am I making myself so nuts now?