I told her about my gratitude journal, and how after a short time I saw my outlook change. I no longer only saw the negative. In fact, I saw the negative, but chose to dismiss it and see the positives. I didn’t have to look so hard to see them, either. They just came to me. I told her about how I no longer worry about things I can not change and have no power over. She was so impressed she hugged me and told me how proud she was.

With her help, I have (honest to God) moved pass the disappointment of our wedding day (weather, illness, other things). I can talk about it and think about it without fuming inside. I have let go of the pain of my parents divorce. That was a long time coming, but thank God it is over. She has cured aches and pains (for both myself and my mum).

So back to our visit today, and talking about babies. She asked if I wanted to ask Archangel Michael, so I agreed. I wasn’t really sure I was ready to hear what the cards had to say. She selected one for my past, one for my present, and one of the future. The past talked about shielding, shielding myself from harmful substances, staying away from pubs and bars (boy should I have!). The present simply said, “let go of fear. NOW.” The future…the future simply said, “You are on the right path.”

This year has already been full of self-discovery, personal growth, enrichment and change.  Almost completely in thanks to Deb at Home Life Simplified and her SYL project, and my gratitude journal. Whether I have another baby or not, the path I am on now feels right. I’m figuring out what is important, what makes me happy, what really, truly matters in LIFE. So many people go their whole lives not knowing, or thinking it is money and other superficial things. It’s not.

If another child is not in our cards, if this little family of 3 is what we are meant to be, then we will be. And we will make the most of it, laughing, learning, living. But I’m not ready to accept that yet. I want to make sure we have exhausted all avenues first.

But this week Kate has offered a themed Thankful Thursday, so I’ve been sitting here, trying to think of a stressful time in my life. I know, the fact that nothing automatically comes straight to mind is, in itself, something to be grateful for.

It’s not that I have never been stressed. On the contrary, I’ve spent much of my life in a stressed state. I inherited the Worry Gene from my paternal grandmother and it’s taken me 33 (+) years to realise that worrying doesn’t actually help anything.

But I digress.

The most recent stressful time for us I suppose has been my husband’s application to the state police department. It started months ago. And by months, I could almost talk in years.

He decided he wanted to do it, so enrolled in the justice TAFE course. That started in January and went for 18 weeks. After that he did (and passed with flying colours) the fitness test. Then he submitted his application. A couple of months later he got a letter, telling him his testing date, and asking him to call and set up an interview in the week following.  By the middle of November he had tested (twice), had his interview and had another interview (90 minutes) by phone with the psychs. His references had all been contacted twice. And still there was no word on whether or not he was accepted. Just that his application was complete and “waiting on selection”.

He was told this again in January. 12 months on from starting the TAFE course, we didn’t feel much closer to an answer than we had been a year earlier. In the meantime, he had told his boss, as he was one of his references. And his boss had asked, a couple of times, what was going on with the cops. “You know as much as I do,” my husband responded. Which was practically nothing!

I was worried his boss had found someone to replace him and wanted to know when he was leaving. In a surprise twist, his boss turned around and made him an offer to stay put and NOT join the police. After some negotiating, and three days of thinking about it, he decided to stay. A decision which in the end, we are both happy with. To be truthful, I’d have been happy and supported him no matter what. But there’s a lot less stress this way. He won’t have to live away from home for 7 months while training, he won’t take a massive pay cut for the better part of a year. We won’t be transferred to FNQ with Nick just starting school, and he actually does like where he works. Which was a major part in him deciding to stay.

It’s a massive weight off our shoulders. And I’m glad that his boss saw his value to the company and made a move to keep him. Because do you know, he STILL has not heard from the cops? So not having that constantly weighing on our minds is nice. And I’m thankful we can now move forward, not worrying about “What if…”

As a disclaimer, I have nothing against the cops. I absolutely think the process is necessary – the testing, the interviews, the references, etc. I mean, these guys carry guns, and have an awful lot of power for goodness sake. But I don’t think it should take 6+ months get accepted. It puts people with jobs in awkward situations, when your boss knows you’re trying to leave, but no one actually knows if you’re leaving or not. It’s obviously some kind of red tape administration hold up, and I think if they truly want more police like they keep saying, then something needs to be done to speed the process up. It is a difficult, thankless job, and I’m so proud of my husband for wanting to do it and pursuing it as far as he did, but I think he’s made the right decision for himself, and his family, at this point in time. 

Then I had to go to work. Need I say more about that one?

Late in the afternoon, I decided that Facebook had taken over my life, and it was time I took it back! As part of this Simplify Your Life challenge, I was starting to take a look at what made me happy, what took up my time, what was stopping me from being the best me I can be. Facebook played way too big a part in my life, and it wasn’t because it was something that made me happy. If anything, it was often making me miserable.

I deactivated my account. When someone asked why, I said Facebook is like Tim Tams for me. I can’t buy a packet of Tim Tams and have them sitting in the fridge and not eat the whole packet in one day. It is physically impossible. So, if I don’t buy them, I don’t eat them. Do you see the analogy? Deactivation was the only way to reduce the amount of my life wasted on FB. There is no “moderation” for an addict.

After Nick went to bed I sat down to do a budget and found out about the balance on our credit card. I hate credit cards, they are the devil.  We have been caught in the credit card trap before, and may or may not have outstanding debts in another country. Just saying. The amount itself, this time, is actually not *that* high, but we are about to double it by buying a part for hubby’s ute (that has been out of action for a whole week now, yet another minor irritation).

I’ve been working at least 30 hours a week for a few weeks now, and yet we are still not ahead. We’re not even EVEN. We have a car payment, a computer payment, a couch payment, credit card payments, all these PAYMENTS. I just want to chuck it all in and live in a van! I want to go on a real holiday! I want to be able to replace the damn ute sooner rather than later. I won’t drive the ute. We need a second car that is reliable, safe, that I will  be able to drive also.

So last night I spat the dummy and went to bed. At 8:30. But I was so angry I couldn’t even sleep. I thought about my gratitude journal, and won’t repeat the words that came to my mind. You can imagine, though. I was off the wagon. I didn’t want to give thanks for anything and I was standing my ground!

While I was holding on to this anger, I kept thinking, in the back of my mind, Thank God I have my job. We may not be getting ahead, but imagine how far behind we’d be without it? Stupid gratitude, can’t even let me be pissed off for more than an hour. So I sat and wrote letters to our nieces in the US for their Absolutely Incredible Kid day. Hubby brought in a revised copy of the budget.

We CAN get there. We are in a position to get there. But not if we keep having impulsive trips to ikea or buying clothes (and other stuff!) online.

Facebook, spending money/shopping, both big problems of mine. One has been eliminated. Time to work on the other one.

There are miracles and blessings everywhere. Of the baby kind. Pregnant women are everywhere. Newborns are everywhere. Everywhere but here. Mostly I am ok with it. Today, my heart just hurts.

People who shouldn’t be able to get pregnant or have babies are getting pregnant and having babies. It’s like the doctors know nothing. Which is no comfort, because our doctor thinks we are “good”. Our numbers are “good”. We should be “fine”.

People who don’t want babies are getting them. In what universe is that fair?

And I love the advice I get. “Just stop thinking about it.” “Stressing over it doesn’t help.” Only people who have never actually had to think about it this much, record things this much, pay this much attention to every little temperature change, every little discharge, every little ache or pain in the uterine/ovarian region, would say, “Just stop thinking about it.” They don’t get it.

Because if they did get it, they’d know that you can’t stop thinking about it. Every day it crosses your mind, at least once. Often more. It doesn’t mean I’m stressed about it. But I think about it, and wonder, “What about me?” “What did I do to end up in this position?” “Why won’t my body do what it’s supposed to?”

Then there are those who say, “At least you have one.” As if I’m the most selfish and ungrateful person in the world for wanting another one and being upset that it’s not happening.

I love my son so much, love being a mother so much, I just want to share it with another child. People wonder, when they are pregnant with a second or third child, how they can possibly have enough love for all their kids. I feel like if I don’t have another, I will explode, or the love for Nick that I have will smother him and be too much for him. It’s in his own (and his future partner’s) best interest for me to have another baby!

I used to think IVF was out of the question for us, financially, emotionally, physically. But now I’m not sure the strain it would put on us would be any worse than the strain of not having another child.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I know that I have the most amazing kid in the world. I know I am extremely lucky. I just want to share all that with another child. I can’t believe that is too much to ask. It can’t be. Do you hear me, universe? It WILL happen!

Our mission this week was to create a vision board, and fill it with things we’ve already talked about wanting/needing in our lives, minds, selves for the year. Things that inspire us, motivate us, that relate to our values and our goals.

I (like many I would guess) decided to use Pinterest to complete this challenge. 1. Because I am lazy. 2. Because I am too cheap to buy magazines and collect real images and sayings. 3. Because creating vision boards is what Pinterest is all about!!

I’ve gone one step extra though, and grabbed the photos to create a collage in photoshop. One that I can print out and put on my bathroom mirror. It’s printing as I type this.

I think it will be obvious that the main theme in my vision board is relaxation, exploration, balance, personal growth, reflection, love, and general well-being. I feel good about this vision board. It encompasses everything I want for 2012. And right next to it, I’m putting up a big picture of my little family. Because a small spot on a vision board is not good enough.

The finished product, on the bathroom wall.

It’s not too late to join in with Deb and those of us participating in her 52 Weeks to Simplify Your Life challenge. Join in where you want, catch up if you want, link up if you want, or don’t. At least read the challenges and give yourself some food for thought.