Where Do You Go?

Since my last real blog post, in which the birth of a stillborn baby I don’t even know really put my life into perspective, I’ve been in a bit of a funk.

I debated blogging today, because I feel if I don’t have anything positive or upbeat to say, then perhaps I should just keep quiet. And so quiet I’ve kept, for 10 days now.

Perhaps in my real life as much as on this blog, because I had a text from my husband today asking if I was ok, saying that I haven’t seemed my usual self lately. I guess I haven’t been. And to an extent I’m not even sure what my “usual” self is these days.

I do know that I go through the motions every day. I am a creature of habit and don’t handle it too well when my routine changes. I stress about things normal people don’t stress about. So for a while now we’ve gone through our daily routines, Mondays and Wednesday are training, Wednesday is tennis for both me AND Nick, Saturday is Soccer, Sun/Mon/Thurs/Fri are work days for me…it’s the same thing every week. And while I like routine and it keeps me calm, there is a part of me that longs for spontaneity of being able to pack up the car and go away for a weekend. But our jobs don’t afford us that luxury. And then whenever we DO have something like that pop up, the once a year it happens, my anxiety kicks in and I wonder if we should go at all and suddenly my day-in-day-out, month-in-month-out routine doesn’t seem so dull anymore.

I find myself a bit more highly strung than I think I’ve ever been in my life, and I can’t even pinpoint why. I am probably the healthiest I have been in a very long time, physically. But mentally, I am stuck.

One thing I’ve learned is to pinpoint and focus on the positives. The best I’ve felt in recent years, mentally, was back when I was doing my daily gratitude journal. I felt so good I stopped doing it, you know, magically cured and all.  And it’s been a slow and steady decline ever since.

Like most things in life, I know what I need to do. I know what will help. But I get complacent and forget or just don’t do it. So starting today I’m going to make an effort to give thanks daily. Maybe on Facebook or Instagram, not necessarily in a journal or blog post. Just as long as I think about it and give true honest thanks for it, I think I will see an improvement. Most likely within a week there will be improvement.

Today, I’m thankful I decided to finally buy those wiffle balls and take Nick to the paddock to have a whack with his golf clubs we bought when he was a baby. He’s finally grown into them. It brought back so many memories of my dad, growing up and going to golf, him trying to teach us what to do and us not listening. As soon as Nick said, “No mummy, I know what I am doing” it all came back to me. I miss my dad so much, and it should be him here teaching Nick. I’m just so grateful Nick is so excited about it and really wants to do golf. The sport has given me so much in my life, I’d love to see Nick get out of it even half of what I have.

Linking up with Jess for IBOT, because I was AWOL last week! Sorry!

Wordless Wednesday : Mothers Day

Sunday, Mother’s Day, instead of getting a sleep-in and breakfast in bed, I woke early(ish), donned my running gear and bright pink tank, and hit the GC streets with a few thousand other people to run the 8k MDC run. It was my first ever “fun” run (I argued if it was really just for fun we’d be doing the 4k, not the 8!) and it was hard going, but I loved it! It’s a great feeling crossing that finish line!

Catching up pre-run with some friends doing the 4k run

My tribute card

 

Standing at the front of the start line, a sea of people behind us!

Early in the run here

Headed towards the finish line!

 

I did it! And I have the medal to prove it!

 

Enjoying cuddles with the whole reason I am a mother. I’m so lucky to have this beautiful boy to call my son.

Linking up with Trish, Bree & Ai for Wordless Wednesday

The Best Laid Plans

For most of my teenage and early-20s life, I envisioned myself as being a career woman. Kids was the furthest thing from my mind. A husband and family were certainly not on the cards for me. No, I would rather the large double-mahogany doors into the corner office with a view of the city. Not just any city. New York City.

I didn’t know what I would do, what line of business it would be, but I knew I wanted to be in charge. I wanted to wear black pencil skirts with pale pink shell tops and one-button blazers. I wanted to wear stockings and stilettos. I wanted to demand people’s attention, and a big fat pay check.

Then I hit about 23 or 24 years old, and suddenly I decided I wanted 5 kids. I wanted to make up for the Christmases spent going from one parent to the other, from one extended family to another. I wanted to have 5 kids who would all grow up and have babies of their own, and they’d all come home for Christmas, just like in the movies.

Now, here I am, well and truly “grown up” and not only do I not have a career, but I also don’t have 5 kids. I have one. One perfect one, at least, but still “just” one.

People around me seem to think about falling pregnant and it happens. I know people terrified they WILL fall pregnant, because it has happened so easily in the past.

It’s hard for me to imagine that NOT wanting something to happen could be as scary as wanting it TO happen, but fearing it never will. If you can follow that.

Yet we all find ourselves in these situations. Wanting something, not wanting something as the case may be, and I wonder how much control we have over any of it. At the most, I’d say very little.

Then I hear about a woman who delivered her baby, who was sleeping, today. The day that should be the most joyous in her life, is now the most tragic and heart wrenching. This date, for the rest of her life, will bring sorrow instead of joy, pain instead of happiness.

And I think, it doesn’t matter if you’re a career woman, or a mum of 1 or 20 kids, it doesn’t matter if you command a board room or a play room. Life is a gift. It is precious. It can be given and taken away at any moment. And we need to NOT take that for granted. And tonight I hugged my one baby a little tighter, laughed a little longer, told him I loved him and that he is my favourite in the whole world. I am so thankful for him, and for my life, whatever it may hold.

It’s Friday! Have you linked up with Grace or FYBF yet?! Get to it!